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Forum > Miscellaneous > I Need Parenting Advice ( Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews, CynthiaSue)

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I Need Parenting Advice
My Child Wants Very Expensive Toys
Bert62
Bert62  Friend of PR
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Indiana USA
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Date: 5/30/12 1:14 AM

Hi.
My son who will be 14 this Summer keeps badgering me for a 4 x 4 or an ATV.
I have explained that they are too expensive, that I have many other bills. Even if I paid off my other bills (impossible by the way) I wouldn't spend that kind of money on a kid's folly. However, my A-D-D boy will not let it go. Every conversation we have is about a g-d ATV !!! I don't know. Maybe some day he can somehow pay for half of it and maybe he'll get one somehow - but, for now I just want him to stop badgering me. What can I do ???

Thanks, Bert
-- Edited on 5/30/12 1:14 AM --

diane s
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Date: 5/30/12 1:26 AM

I have a son with ADHD, and even I was a millionaire, I wouldn't buy him an ATV. He could get in enough trouble and find enough danger without my help.
I live in a rural area and lots of my kids friends had them. My daughter was in an accident with one at a friends house, luckily she alright.
If it was my son, I would explain to him how many hours it would take him to earn one, also the insurance/fuel/helmet etc and to start saving him money.

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My grandmother taught me to sew when I was 10, and I've been sewing ever since.

Gilraen Surion

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In reply to Bert62 <<


Date: 5/30/12 1:30 AM

I can only tell you what my parents did. In fact it is along the lines of what you are kind of suggesting but we were younger We were 7.
We were told for things we really wanted and were too big to buy or just plain silly, to save up half from our pocket money (which was very little) and money we got for birthdays or extra chores at my grans. Gran made us weed the vegetable garden :-)
Still it worked. Most of the time we'd outgrown the fad by the time we had the money. But on the other hand by the time I was 12 I had saved up enough money to buy a horse. Did not buy it as I could not afford the tack or stabling (mum was cunning).
My brother bought a small sailing boat by the time he was 13.

Both of us are still good with money as we are used to saving up for what we really want.
So tell him to save up half and then talk again Or sign a contract that if he saves up enough you will match it. If he winches that this will take too long and that it is too expensive too much to save up Just agree with him that it is the same for you. Maybe the penny will drop.

Gilraen

Bert62
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Date: 5/30/12 2:04 AM

Yes, we live in a rural area and soooo many of my son's friends have them. We do have six acres so using one is feasible, but with my son it's never just the easy part. I'll have to get a hitch and cart for him to take it elsewhere. His seemingly rich friend has one or two and a place in Tennessee (we are in Indiana). My son wants to get one so he can be invited to the Tennesee house.
I can only imagine me asking my dad for anything like that. Geez, I considered myself darned lucky that we had a riding mower instead of a push one. That John Deere mower was all the AtV I ever needed. Then I think about some of my son's friends who are constantly wondering how they are going to buy groceries to eat. I have told my son that I would love to make him happy but I am in no position to pay for such a thing (a white lie). I could gather up enough money but what then would suffer? Does my child and his wants have the right to sink our ship? Well, more thoughts before I go to sleep for four hours. Tomorrow's the last day of school and now I will have my son 24/7 ! Thanks, Bert

Cathy Loves Fabric
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Date: 5/30/12 2:40 AM

Bert62, "no" is an Ok answer for your son. Actually, finding out that you can't have everything you want is an excellent lesson to start learning at 14. I learned at an early age and wouldn't trade that lesson for the world. There will always be people who have more and who have less. In the long run that will make him a much happier person than an ATV.
-- Edited on 5/30/12 2:41 AM --

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My hope is to sew to the very end. They'll find my head slumped over my precious Kenmore 19606 and have to pry the seam ripper from my cold, dead hands.

MarthaA24
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In reply to Bert62 <<


Date: 5/30/12 3:39 AM

Quote: Bert62
Does my child and his wants have the right to sink our ship?

NO

I will say it isn't always easy saying no to children, but if it doesn't financially make sense or just doesn't make sense for any number of reasons, then the simple answer can be no.

If you don't object to him having one and wish to tell him he can try and earn money to pay for it, go ahead. I wouldn't even mention that you "might" be willing to pay for part.

My children didn't have ADD, so how that makes it different in dealing with them, I don't know. But I will say any child that thinks they can wear you down so you will change your mind, will keep trying to wear you down.

With my children I never bought the expense toys like some of their cousins and no doubt friends had and they managed to survive. It just never made any sense to me, but then we as parents didn't buy extravagant toys for ourselves either.

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Martha

Franksdottir

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In reply to Bert62 <<
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Date: 5/30/12 4:27 AM

Bert,

14, even with ADD, is old enough to be afforded (!!!!) the dignity of being treated as an adult in some ways. Tell him the truth, that you cannot afford it. Explain that this is a terrible economy, where plenty of people have lost their homes and livelihoods, and that although you are employed you are not rich, and that a luxury such as he wants is simply beyond your reach.

And since it is now the summer, and he is not a child, perhaps it would be a good life lesson for him to see how lucky he is in life. If you are churchgoers your church undoubtedly has a committee which works with food pantries or soup kitchens or the like. My congregation, for example, has ties with several churches and we take it in turns (weekly) to house and feed homeless families.

If you are not churchgoers you can probably find a shelter or soup kitchen in other ways, through the yellow pages or the paper.

This could be a very important time in his life. Most of us have to learn that there will always be people with more money than we have (I won't say "richer" because my definition of rich has less to do with money and more to do with intangibles), and many others with far less. Think of this as your chance to help him to become a moral actor in his life.

Help him to understand that this is not about toys, but about values. You are a good and decent man, this is his time to learn that goodness and decency are choices; he can choose to value those things which give life permanent meaning, or he can choose to value the superficial and ephemeral.

It was my father who gave me my moral education, and it was my father who taught me to value the right things. Your son will bless you for it in the years to come, as I bless my late father.

ETA: Gads, sometimes I take myself so seriously. I don't mean to sound that way, it just comes out like that.

-- Edited on 5/30/12 4:30 AM --

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Barb

lareine
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Date: 5/30/12 6:13 AM

You don't owe your child explanations. You're the parent here. Say no and stick to it. Surely even an ADD child will get bored when you say No and refuse to continue the line of discussion every time they try. It's the technique that Supernanny uses. Don't engage them!

It's probably a bad idea to offer reasons anyway, when dealing with a persistent child who won't listen to their parents, unless you are genuinely open to them getting their way if they can offer a work-around for the problem that is stopping them from getting what they want. If you don't want them to have this expensive and dangerous machine then just say no and leave it at that.
-- Edited on 5/30/12 6:17 AM --

ryan's mom
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Date: 5/30/12 6:27 AM

lol. I get this not with an ATV as of late (although they have asked for that too), but with a car. And the darn thing is, is that we own 29 acres of perfect acreage to play around with an ATV. They know it.

The answer is always the same. "We can't afford it, I don't know how others do it, and the money tree in the backyard isn't producing. If you would like to buy your own car or other toys and pay all the extra expenses (like maintenance, gas, , safety classes, and insurance), get a job. We will drive you so you can get to and from work to earn money."

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Big 4 Pattern size 12, RTW bottom: 6, RTW jacket 8, RTW top (no size fits me well!)
Measurements: 34 HB/36 FB (34C bra)/27.5/36 (and working hard to keep it that way.)
Machines: Sewing: Elna 760, vintage Kenmore Model 33 (1967), Janome Gem Gold 3. Sergers: Babylock Imagine and Babylock Enlighten. Embroidery Only: Janome 300E. Coverstitch: Janome CP1000. Straight Stitch: Janome 1600P.

If you think your sewing is better than everyone else's around here, get out of my way b****. I hate sewing snobs.

My blog: www.phatchickdesigns.blogspot.com

Kim12469
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Date: 5/30/12 8:36 AM

My DS has ADHD as well and one thing I have learned is that any form of waffling from me or even a "we'll talk about it later" is a YES to him. I have become more firm and insistent. I say NO now and he doesn't always need an explanation in my opinion. They are the kids and they have to accept that we make the decisions for them.

So my advice is to be solid and firm. Say NO and mean it.

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http://kimsewsilly.blogspot.com/

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