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Forum > Miscellaneous > daughter-in-law ( Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews, CynthiaSue)

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daughter-in-law
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gramma b
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gramma b
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Date: 10/24/13 5:22 PM

So apparently gramma didn't jump when she said jump, so now there is pouting. So what's with today's Entitled stay-at-home moms?
I had no relatives to help out when I was raising young 'uns..but these girls think that's our 2nd job in retirement so they can go shopping or out to lunch, whatever. I earned my time off, what about you?
Meanwhile, H. says"you never say no" but then he says, you'd better call her, she's mad...

TeeGee

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In reply to gramma b <<
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Date: 10/24/13 6:02 PM

I made it clear I'm not a babysitter,unless there is an emergency ! Then I will drop whatever I'm doing and run to babysit !

Family dynamics are different in each family.

I have been "ab - used" by neighbors and friends for years when I was younger and worked nights.They thought I had nothing better to do during the day than babysit their children so they could go out for fun.I was too polite to say anything then,when they sent their children to play at our house and disappeared for hours at a time.I had children at our dinner table,because there was no one at home at their house when I sent children home.

My friend has over 10 grandchildren now.She babysat her first grandchild for 3 years every day,and kept two grandchildren from the same DD on weekends too,so parents could relax,after the second child was born.

She always thought she was helping her DD ! I mentioned she had more children than just her DD.She helped that DD for over 20 years,yet when the daughter in-law lived on the same property,she could say no.

My friend is over 70 years old now,the DD can't understand why she doesn't want to babysit anymore,or help her around her house.Canning and you name it.That DD never comes and asks if she can help my friend.The daughter in-law never lets her clean up when she visits my friend with her son.

I hope your DH supports your decision,or babysits.

-- Edited on 10/24/13 6:07 PM --

Canadian Jane
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Canadian Jane
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Date: 10/24/13 6:04 PM

When people, family in particular, start to view you as their personal assistants or hired help, when you are neither, there is a problem and it is THEIR problem. Let me guess: there is no consideration of your needs or acceptance of the fact that YOU and YOU alone get to decide what you can do, what you will do - not them. How dare you have the audacity to say NO.

Yep... not just DILs who have this problem.

I'll bet she is mad. Not used to hearing the word no is upsetting for the ever entitled. Why should you have to apologize for it, rehash it, or beg forgiveness, or smooth it over? Your answer is still NO. She is not a child. She needs to strap on her big girl pants and learn to deal with it with some grace and dignity. Give her the space to do this. Part of it is that she doesn't that she does not get to do what she wants either and as a busy Mom, that is hard. Still not your problem though.





-- Edited on 10/25/13 0:38 AM --

kowgiirl.up
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Date: 10/24/13 6:05 PM

I say stick to your guns on this. She will get over it and if not it's her problem. It's not your job or your duty to babysit and her trying to bully you into it is just plain silly. She needs to put on her big girl pants and get over it IMO.

I love my grandkids but I hardly ever babysit. I raised my kids and now they can raise theirs.. I love to visit with them but I also love (and earned) my time and it's running out for us oldsters and that is something these youngsters don't get (but will one day).

Good luck

------
Runs with scissors
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Rhoda K
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Rhoda K  Friend of PR
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Date: 10/24/13 7:43 PM

Sadly, the younger ones do not realize what is involved to be a RESPONSIBLE parent and the time it takes . . . . at least 18 years. I've been fortunate and have helped out on occasion, which I was glad to do, but it was never a full time situation.

lisalu
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lisalu
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Date: 10/24/13 8:00 PM

I have mixed feelings about this. I have great relationships with my three DIL's and of course I adore the grandbabies. The first one, I kept once or twice a week for the first four years of his life while his mother was at work part-time. Like you I had no one to help me when my boys were young - my parents lived 1200 miles away. It for that very reason that I wanted to be there for my chldren's families, because I remember how much I longed for grandparents nearby to lend a hand and spoil my children. I always envied friends who had that luxury.

I had to give up keeping my g-son when I went back to school full time this year. My DIL's realize how busy I am and are able to make other arrangments for babysitting - now I have to make a point of asking to keep them now and then!

On the other hand, like you, I am now an Empty Nester, anxious to do all the things I put on hold while raising a family - like getting my degree. I feel like time is running out to do all the things I still want to do so I hesitate to commit to a regular schedule of babysitting like before. But I don't want to miss being a part of their lives while they are growing up. I adore my own g-mother (who turns 101 next week!) and I want nothing more than to be the exact kind of grandma she was. She delighted in us and considered it a joy, never a burden, when we stayed with her. I absolutely adore her and if my g-children one day feel the same way about me, I don't think I could ever want anything else out of life. :)

As for the DIL's I look at it this way: they have the power. Women maintain the family ties. There may well come a day when my relationships with my DIL's means that I will have someone looking out for me, bringing the grandchildren to see me, and visiting me in the nursing home. My sons love me, but my DIL's are the ones who remember to buy the birthday cards or call to make plans. I would never, ever alienate them in any way if I can help it!

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Jim (Singer 301), Margaret (Singer 201-2), Betty (Singer 15-91), Bud (Singer 503), Kathy (Singer 221), Liz (Singer 221 Centennial Edition)
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KathySews
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Date: 10/24/13 8:03 PM

Not to be argumentive, just another point of view. When we say yes all the time people come to expect it. Although inside you probably thought about NO for a long time before doing it, it might have come out of nowhere as far as she is concerned. Our generation of women are coming late to the table as far as standing up for what we want and putting our needs first. So in some ways it is no wonder you caught her by surprise. Speaking from experience here.

That said, I do not understand why she is mad.

Bobbinnoli
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Date: 10/24/13 8:18 PM

I've made it clear to my children--I retired early to pursue my interests, not to be a day care center. I don't mind if I have to babysit once in a while, but the last thing I'll do is have it become "expected." When my kids were young, my mother in law would come over one Friday a month from 5-8:00 so DH & I could go to a movie. That was it. I had NO other help at all ever (my Mom died when I was 16). When the kids got a little older, I hired a babysitter once in a while.

What bothers me even more is the attitude of my kids' in-laws. They can't seem to let go of their now married kids, involving themselves in every aspect of my kids and their spouses' lives, under the guise of "we just love them so much so that's why we want to...." (everything from cleaning their houses, putting laundry away, cutting their grass, painting, etc.). On one hand, I feel like it makes me look bad, but on the other hand, I firmly believe that they are doing the kids a disservice by not letting them make their own way. It really aggravates me.

Stephanie

clothingengineer
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In reply to lisalu <<
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Date: 10/24/13 8:38 PM

Quote: lisalu
As for the DIL's I look at it this way: they have the power. Women maintain the family ties. There may well come a day when my relationships with my DIL's means that I will have someone looking out for me, bringing the grandchildren to see me, and visiting me in the nursing home. My sons love me, but my DIL's are the ones who remember to buy the birthday cards or call to make plans. I would never, ever alienate them in any way if I can help it!

+100

When I need to ask my brothers something or make plans I often skip going to him and go directly to my SILs. Usually her response is much quicker :)

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-- Anne
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lisalu
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Date: 10/24/13 8:54 PM

Yep, ditto me and my SIL's. Everything goes through the women - the men are always the last to know. LOL

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Jim (Singer 301), Margaret (Singer 201-2), Betty (Singer 15-91), Bud (Singer 503), Kathy (Singer 221), Liz (Singer 221 Centennial Edition)
http://runningstitches-mkb.blogspot.com/

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