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Forum > Miscellaneous > Marriage ( Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews, CynthiaSue)

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Marriage
What have you learned?
CurlySu717
CurlySu717  Friend of PR
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Texas USA
Member since 10/26/06
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Date: 10/21/10 10:41 PM

My cousin got married this past weekend. It got me thinking about marriage in general, and specifically what I've learned in the 3 short years I've been married.

Here are the three most important for me, I think:

1. Don't assume that your spouse can read your mind just because you're married. You have to tell him what you need.

2. Remember to be nice to your spouse. It's easy to take your anger about other things out on him -- he's there, for starters, and you know he'll love you even when you're witchy -- but that doesn't mean you should.

3. This was the advice to the newlyweds from the groom's father: When you're wrong, admit it, and when you're right, shut up! :D

What have you learned?

------
"To love another person is to see the face of God!" ~Les Miserables

www.lillianbettyandsibyl.blogspot.com

Mel.J
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Mel.J
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Victoria Australia
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Date: 10/22/10 0:50 AM

I'm still learning this one - just because I feel loved or not by a particular action, doesn't mean DH feels the same way. Behaviours that have little impact on me might mean a lot to him.

This is from the five love languages (words, touch, gifts, time, service), different people express & receive love in different ways.

------
Mel (Melbourne, Australia)

lareine
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lareine  Friend of PR
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Date: 10/22/10 1:29 AM

I've learned that I can't have my way all the time, and sometimes I have to just suck it up.

I also learned that I need to treat my husband with the same respect I show my friends. Just because we know each other much better doesn't give me licence to pout, sulk, bully, or yell. I don't do that to other people so I've got no right to do it to him.

It's our fourth wedding anniversary at Hallowe'en (yes, we got married in black!) and I never thought I could be this happy. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope it stays this way for a long time to come!

Imaan
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Imaan
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New South Wales Australia
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Date: 10/22/10 1:33 AM

For me, I've realised that marriage is HARD WORK, and not always a bed of roses. I think many of us have unrealistic expectations of each other, which lead to many problems in communication, expectations, behaviour etc, and especially that it is meant to be easy, otherwise it is the "wrong" person. We each bring an ego to the union :-)

I think, I have realised, the reality is more that like anything else in life worth having and keeping, there is a lot of hard work involved, and sacrifice, and give and take. Noone would expect to be at the pinnacle of their career without long hours, hard work etc etc, and I think, if we used this drive towards our marriage (and kids), we would see the fruits of our hard work. I think if we lay the foundation well, things can only get easier.

It has taken me six years of marriage to say that and mean it/ believe it:-) and the first year was the hardest.
-- Edited on 10/22/10 4:01 AM --

------
Imaan in Sydney, NSW.

The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavourable. Favourable conditions never come.

marec
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marec  Friend of PR
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Date: 10/22/10 1:50 AM

We've been married for 35 years and are very happy sharing our lives together. I have learned to be trusting of another person through my marriage, and also have learned how to balance my need for connection with my need for independence. My husband makes me feel special, smart and beautiful and I hope I support him in equal ways.

------
my blog: http://kf-biblioblog.blogspot.com/
Sewing through my pattern stash-145
completed.

Bert62
Bert62  Friend of PR
Beginner
Indiana USA
Member since 12/3/09
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Date: 10/22/10 1:52 AM

I didn't think we would make it through the first year. Aside from the obvious fringe benefits, we really cramped each others' styles. I couldn't believe how much stuff she had kept over the years and how we tried to stuff it into our tiny apartment. Also, we both have very strong personalities and wills. Like Eminem's song, we were a tornado and a volcano under one roof. However, I knew if we could make it through the first year - well that was my benchmark. 16 years and two kids later; I love her more than ever. Bert
-- Edited on 10/22/10 1:54 AM --

ryan's mom
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ryan's mom
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Date: 10/22/10 6:56 AM

I have learned to overlook stuff that would have bothered me immensely years ago and did the first few years of marriage. Well, maybe more than a few, at least up to 10 LOL. Don't sweat the small stuff because things like honesty, committment, love, loyalty, trust have always been there and are the most important things in a marriage.

Things like every kitchen cupboard being open, my silverware drawer pulled out, the weird issue of the bedroom door always having to be shut tight, the dishwasher arrangement looking like a tornado, among other little things are not worth getting cranky about. It's focusing on what is truly important. Things like this sound so lame, but it's the overal scheme of things: Concentrate on what is important and dismiss what is not.

What has my husband learned? That the wife is always right no matter what. He always says wives never apologize. I tell him I apologize when I'm wrong which doesn't *usually* happen. He has even taken a wife survey among friends and has come to the conclusion that wives are practically saints and rarely make wrong decisions.

I've come to the conclusion that many good marriages have husbands that readily acknowledge the wife is almost always right.

After 24 years of marriage, I've also learned to keep my temper in check most of the time. Much better than when we were first married. We're both strong willed so the flames flicker a lot.

We've never stopped learning, and I think we'll continue to learn over the next several decades.

ETA, my husband used to say when we were first married, "Don't give the silent treatment! I can't stand it!! Just tell me what you think. I can't read your mind." Now he probably wishes I would just shut up LOL.
-- Edited on 10/22/10 7:00 AM --

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Big 4 Pattern size 12, RTW bottom: 6, RTW jacket 8, RTW top (no size fits me well!)
Measurements: 34 HB/36 FB (34C bra)/27.5/36 (and working hard to keep it that way.)
Machines: Sewing: Elna 760, vintage Kenmore Model 33 (1967), Janome Gem Gold 3. Sergers: Babylock Imagine and Babylock Enlighten. Embroidery Only: Janome 300E. Coverstitch: Janome CP1000. Straight Stitch: Janome 1600P.

If you think your sewing is better than everyone else's around here, get out of my way b****. I hate sewing snobs.

My blog: www.phatchickdesigns.blogspot.com

MNBarb
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MNBarb  Friend of PR
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Minnesota USA
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Date: 10/22/10 8:25 AM

I have very high standards for men. After 25 years of marriage I can say my husband meets most. I hope he says the same about me.
What I have learned about myself and marriage is:
-Each partner needs to be encouraged to be independent. Yes, you are a couple but you are each an individual and it works best if there are some separate interests.
-There are times when you really need each other and times when you need to be left alone.
-It's a good marriage for me if we can cry over the same things and laugh about the same things.
-No person leads or follows, we are both on equal ground.

Thanks for asking the question. It's good to reflect and realize that, although we have both changed over the years, our marriage and our individuality still thrives and grows.

------
Barb
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Edison
"I not only use all the brains I have, but all I can borrow." Woodrow Wilson

CathyWeeks
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CathyWeeks
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Minnesota USA
Member since 9/5/08
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Date: 10/22/10 11:18 AM

Make sure that you and your spouse are FRIENDS, not just lovers. I married my best friend, and it's been a wonderful 13 years.

Learn how to derail an argument. Most fights are because your blood is up, not because whatever you are arguing about is really all that important or worth being mad about. I don't even remember what caused most of the fights we've had. And after the fact, I often find myself wondering what in the heck I was so mad about.

So... when a fight is heating up, and things are starting to get hurtful, try and say "I don't want to fight about this. Let's talk it over in an hour."

Make sure you express your love, and often. Leave love notes. Text "<3" to him now and then. Make sure your spouse knows how much you love him/her. And the funny thing is that at least for me, the process of expressing my love for my husband seems to INCREASE my love for him.

Don't forget to give each other a goodnight kiss.

Don't be afraid to take separate vacations now and then. He and I have both done that - every couple of years, one or the other of us will go somewhere alone (a couple of mosaic conferences for me, gaming conventions for my husband) while the other person stays home with the kids. It allows the vacationer to come home completely refreshed since they could be utterly selfish in doing whatever they want, without having to worry about anyone else's needs. The only rule is that a separate vacation cannot impact the frequency of total family vacations, or getaways for the couple only. (In other words, a separate vacation cannot eat into Holiday or 2nd honeymoon time).

If you have kids, go on dates with your spouse occasionally. Find a good babysitter. Or, have a TV show that you watch, just the two of you, after the kids are in bed.

Have separate hobbies, but be supportive of the other person's hobbies (be sure and look interested and oooh and ahhh occasionally). But, don't let your hobby take away too much from time with your spouse.

In the end, it's all about balance.

------
My (mostly) green sewing blog: http://NapkinLady.blogspot.com/

Mariyka
Mariyka
Intermediate
Member since 8/10/10
Posts: 77
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Date: 10/22/10 12:12 PM

Thirty-six years and counting:
Never take him for granted. He's a special person, your best friend, your lover, and the father of your children. He deserves your respect. Goes the same for wives.

Listen closely to what they're saying, and think about what they really mean. If it doesn't make sense, ask for more information. You may not have the whole picture.

Always support each other when you raise your kids. I've seen so many marriages flounder when the father and mother are at cross purposes.

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