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Forum > Miscellaneous > Memorial service a must? And when? ( Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews, CynthiaSue)

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Memorial service a must? And when?
Just lost my husband...
appleC
appleC
Intermediate
Arizona USA
Member since 6/17/04
Posts: 350
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Date: 5/1/11 6:52 PM

Hello,

I lost my dearest husband a couple of days ago. His ashes will be transported next week to a different state where his parents live. We don't have any other family members here. We don't have many friends here either, still some of them asked if there is going to be a memorial service.

I still find it very difficult to accept his sudden death at his prime time. Besides, too many things on my plate now! Is memorial service a must? Is there a timeline?

Thanks.

dfr2010
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dfr2010  Friend of PR
Advanced Beginner
Florida USA
Member since 3/27/10
Posts: 1780
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Date: 5/1/11 7:01 PM

Oh goodness! I can't begin to imagine what are you are feeling right now other than overwhelmed and still in shock ... my sincere sympathies for you in this very difficult time.

------
I don't really make mistakes ... I create "learning opportunities"! Murphy says: The better you match the thread to the fabric, the more likely you will need to rip some stitches out! I spend more quality time with my seamripper than I like ...
Yes, I DO love fabric!!
Happy owner of a band of Brothers: LX-3125, CS-770, CE5500 PRW, a PE-770 emb ... and now Kenmore 158.18032 and 148.12190
Blogging my "learning opportunites" at http://sewingmissadventure.blogspot.com/

Julia C
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Julia C  Friend of PR
Advanced Beginner
Nevada USA
Member since 7/1/07
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Date: 5/1/11 7:04 PM

So sorry for your loss. You can have a memorial service whenever & wherever you choose,or not.

mamafitz
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mamafitz
Wisconsin USA
Member since 8/24/02
Posts: 1134
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Date: 5/1/11 7:18 PM

I am so sorry to hear of your sudden loss; you have my deepest sympathies. Of course it is up to you whether or not to have a memorial service. When I lost my father suddenly, we didn't want a memorial service either, but after much discussion with the funeral director, we decided to have one (I will say the funeral director was *fantastic* and we did not feel pressured at all. He would have done whatever we wanted). Anyway, I am so glad we did. It gave everyone a chance to say goodbye, to give condolences, and to share memories. I was stunned and touched by everyone who came, and I really came to understand the saying that funerals are really for the living, not the deceased.

Take care, be gentle with yourself, and again, please accept my deepest sympathies.

------
Linda

Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves, and of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked at all times.
-- Betsey Johnson


http://mamafitz.blogspot.com

Sharon1952
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Sharon1952  Friend of PR
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Massachusetts USA
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Date: 5/1/11 7:55 PM

I am so sorry to hear of your sudden loss. Losing a spouse is so devastating- I pray you will find peace and comfort in your memories with him.

A memorial service is for the living and you can have one when you want - or not. If he had no specific wishes that he made known, then you can do what you prefer. If you want to have one perhaps someone else could be in charge of planning it?

My prayers are with you in this time of mourning.

------
Sewing: A creative mess is better than tidy idleness. ~Author Unknown

bestgrammy
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bestgrammy
Oregon USA
Member since 8/29/06
Posts: 3556
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In reply to appleC


Date: 5/1/11 7:58 PM

I am indeed very sorry this happened and suddenly too.
There is no need to have a memorial service until you are ready. You will be busy going out of state soon. Will someone be able to go with you? It doesn't take many friends for them to be helpful.

AdaH
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AdaH  Friend of PR
Intermediate
Iowa USA
Member since 11/21/09
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Date: 5/1/11 8:00 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. You have a lot of decisions to make so a service isn't really a must. Maybe at a later date you can have a small gathering of people you are close to.

------
Ada

Dotmoll
Dotmoll
Advanced Beginner
JAPAN
Member since 8/27/07
Posts: 589
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Date: 5/1/11 8:04 PM

I've experienced this too, and my heart goes out to you.

My first husband's ashes were buried in his own country, after a memorial service. The funeral was held in the country where we lived.

As everybody says, it's entirely up to you when or if a memorial service is held, but there is much to be gained. If it is too much for you to deal with, you could ask his friends to set it up?

I got permission to plant a tree (no plaque) in a park near his workplace, and 30 years on, I'm very glad that I was able to do that. It has provided a "location" for me and for his friends in my country to remember him, and I smile when I see blog photos of young families picnicking under that tree now.

Franksdottir

Franksdottir  Friend of PR
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In reply to appleC


Date: 5/1/11 8:22 PM

My heartfelt condolences, I am so sorry.

You should do what seems best to you, not anyone else. And allow yourself to change your mind. If it seems too much for you, don't have one now, and if later you think it is a good idea do it then.

Please don't make any life-changing decisions now. You need time to come to terms with this and it would be too easy to make a mistake while you are overcome with grief.

------
Barb

gabrielle

gabrielle
Beginner
Washington USA
Member since 3/27/02
Posts: 1550
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Date: 5/1/11 8:26 PM

AppleC, I'm so sorry. My mother died suddenly in January, and we faced a similar delemna. We decided to have a memorial for her on her birthday in March. My father wrote a lovely obituary for her that went in the local paper, and we mentioned the date of the memorial. Then we notified people a couple of weeks before. It was and informal memorial, more a celebration of her life, and we had dozens of photos from infancy on.
It was kind of hard to do after we had started to heal a bit, but it was also wonderful to be able to remember her with friends and neighbors. The other advantage to having the gathering at a later date was that it gave remote friends and family time to make travel arrangements.

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