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A woman was rude, and I got out of her way. (Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews)
Posted on: 1/6/06 8:05 PM ET
Today I was using a quiet room provided for cancer patients and their families. Phones and conversational seating are provided as are a limited number of recliners and blankets if you want to nap. The room is intended to be quiet, but not silent. There are large sunny windows and the shades are usually open. Their is seating for twenty or more, and there are often eight or nine people in there quietly chatting, talking on the phone or resting with their eyes open or closed.
So, I was in there trying to reconcile my flight schedules, treatment schedules and ground transportation and work schedules. I found myself muttering under my breath to try to keep things straight. After I'd sat down, a woman and her elderly mother had come in. The mother sat down, and the daughter sat beside her.
So, I said to the daughter, "Don't mind my talking to myself. I'm trying to untangle my schedule." She responded with a severe look, "My MOTHER is trying to SLEEP!" She was not quiet, and her mother opened her eyes.
I didn't want to fuss with this woman, so I left the room and tried to make my phone calls in the outer room, which was bustling with activity, chatting, music, coffee brewing, etc. It was difficult to take care of matters with all that activity, and I had to urgently make these calls so I could get home, come back, have a place to stay next week, and get my treatments at the right time.
When I was done and had to catch my ride to the airport, I went back into the quiet room to get my luggage. The rude woman said to me, "Are you going to be here later?" I cheerfully said to her, "No, I get to go home this weekend!" Now, mind you everyone else I'd ever talked to in there has been very sweet and friendly. It's that sort of place, and Texans usually are very polite as a rule. But, the woman responded, "Because WE are going to be here!" I simply said, "People come and go quite a bit from this room," and left.
I have a feeling this woman is a new patient, and that her daughter will try to commandeer this room. So, next week, if she does that again, would you...
1) Ignore her and go about your business.
2) Tell her you are TRYING to work.
3) Explain the uses of the room, pointing out the phones and conversational seating that is provided for patients and families.
4) Ask one of the volunteers who staff the area to explain the uses of the room to the woman.
5) Suggest that if she needs a private room, she might use her hotel room for that.
I tend to let people walk on me, although I'm getting better about it. I told myself that this woman was probably worried about her mom, but you know, I'm a cancer patient too, and I"m trying to keep my job, get to and from treatments, and keep my stress level as low as possible. I don't need her to run me out of a room I've used for weeks now just because she's there with her mom.
-- Edited on 1/6/06 9:20 PM --
So, I was in there trying to reconcile my flight schedules, treatment schedules and ground transportation and work schedules. I found myself muttering under my breath to try to keep things straight. After I'd sat down, a woman and her elderly mother had come in. The mother sat down, and the daughter sat beside her.
So, I said to the daughter, "Don't mind my talking to myself. I'm trying to untangle my schedule." She responded with a severe look, "My MOTHER is trying to SLEEP!" She was not quiet, and her mother opened her eyes.
I didn't want to fuss with this woman, so I left the room and tried to make my phone calls in the outer room, which was bustling with activity, chatting, music, coffee brewing, etc. It was difficult to take care of matters with all that activity, and I had to urgently make these calls so I could get home, come back, have a place to stay next week, and get my treatments at the right time.
When I was done and had to catch my ride to the airport, I went back into the quiet room to get my luggage. The rude woman said to me, "Are you going to be here later?" I cheerfully said to her, "No, I get to go home this weekend!" Now, mind you everyone else I'd ever talked to in there has been very sweet and friendly. It's that sort of place, and Texans usually are very polite as a rule. But, the woman responded, "Because WE are going to be here!" I simply said, "People come and go quite a bit from this room," and left.
I have a feeling this woman is a new patient, and that her daughter will try to commandeer this room. So, next week, if she does that again, would you...
1) Ignore her and go about your business.
2) Tell her you are TRYING to work.
3) Explain the uses of the room, pointing out the phones and conversational seating that is provided for patients and families.
4) Ask one of the volunteers who staff the area to explain the uses of the room to the woman.
5) Suggest that if she needs a private room, she might use her hotel room for that.
I tend to let people walk on me, although I'm getting better about it. I told myself that this woman was probably worried about her mom, but you know, I'm a cancer patient too, and I"m trying to keep my job, get to and from treatments, and keep my stress level as low as possible. I don't need her to run me out of a room I've used for weeks now just because she's there with her mom.
-- Edited on 1/6/06 9:20 PM --
Posted on: 1/6/06 8:13 PM ET
If she complains next week, you might start out by sweetly saying, "Yes, this room has been such a haven of peaceful companionship with other patients while I am having MY treatments, too." Just letting her know that you and her mother are equal in your roles as patients. She may think you're a "friend or relative" that she can push around. I think your idea of alerting the staff to this woman's attitude might be a good one. They may be able to convey the permitted uses of this room to her before it even comes up between you. Good luck! It can be so demoralizing to have just one more rotten thing piled on at a time like this. Perhaps this woman is so focused on her mother that she's unable to think of others. Perhaps by next week she'll be calmed down and have a more normal response. Then again, maybe she's just self-centered. (It does seem to be going around!) Either way, you'll be prepared.
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Liana
http://sewintriguing.blogspot.com/
http://artisanssquare.com/sg/
http://www.pbase.com/lianasews
http://sewintriguing.blogspot.com/
http://artisanssquare.com/sg/
http://www.pbase.com/lianasews
Posted on: 1/6/06 8:17 PM ET
Well, she certainly wasn't passive aggressive about it was she? I would say that you should talk to the staff upon your arrival next week and nip it in the bud before entering the room. She sounds like a confrontation waiting to happen and that would be terribly stressful for you.



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Leah
Posted on: 1/6/06 8:22 PM ET
Like you don't have enough to deal with! I'd talk to the volunteer first, and ask her for a clear statement of who may use the room, and what activities are considered acceptable. Armed with that information, you can be assured that you are doing nothing inappropriate. (Maybe you could offer her some inexpensive earplugs "because sometimes people come in her and TALK.")
Daughter might be scared about her mother's treatment and intimidated by the surroundings; some people become quite belligerent when they don't feel comfortable and/or "in charge". And Mom and daughter might have quite a history that they are still working on - criticism, guilt, who knows?
If she is that rude again, maybe you could (sympathetically) suggest that the daughter talk to the volunteer - poor volunteer - to ask for help in finding a room that is dim and quiet. It is grossly unfair of that individual to insist that everyone's activities revolve around her needs -and they are HER needs, not her mother's. Sounds to me as if she is trying to prove to herself and Mom that she is a competent, loving daughter.
OR - you could bring your boom box and do some aerobics during your down time. Maybe then she'd be grateful when you made a phone call.

-- Edited on 1/6/06 9:24 PM --
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Daughter might be scared about her mother's treatment and intimidated by the surroundings; some people become quite belligerent when they don't feel comfortable and/or "in charge". And Mom and daughter might have quite a history that they are still working on - criticism, guilt, who knows?
If she is that rude again, maybe you could (sympathetically) suggest that the daughter talk to the volunteer - poor volunteer - to ask for help in finding a room that is dim and quiet. It is grossly unfair of that individual to insist that everyone's activities revolve around her needs -and they are HER needs, not her mother's. Sounds to me as if she is trying to prove to herself and Mom that she is a competent, loving daughter.
OR - you could bring your boom box and do some aerobics during your down time. Maybe then she'd be grateful when you made a phone call.

-- Edited on 1/6/06 9:24 PM --
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“Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.” -Robert Heinlein and Ann's father. Thanks for the reminder, Ann.
Where are we going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
Matthew 25:40 (New International Version)
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Where are we going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
Matthew 25:40 (New International Version)
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Posted on: 1/6/06 8:34 PM ET
Quote:
Perhaps she is fearful for her mom
Perhaps she is fearful for her mom
My first thought was exactly that, and that she just is very afraid right now. You are the experienced one here since you've been there many times and know the ropes. I am sure the room is as you stated - for everyone's use and sounds like it has been a very relaxing, peaceful room so far. I'll bet once she and her mother have been there more times, the woman will understand and enjoy the company of the others.
It also sounds like you were being very considerate in how you were handling your business stuff. I would totally let this go for now and just wait to see if she is like this the next time you meet. If it happens again, my suggestion would be to talk to the staff and let them speak with her. I really just feel like she was on edge and said what she said because she was upset.
Also, I think Liana had a good comeback for you that would difuse the situation and .... who knows? Sometimes friendships are begun out of situations like this!
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Bev
Posted on: 1/6/06 8:40 PM ET
I'd just ignore her and go about your business. It sounds like you have bonded with others in the same room in the past. . . that's why you good naturedly started talking to her. Don't next time. I suspect by next week other people will have sofened them up so they won't bother you.
Posted on: 1/6/06 9:12 PM ET
These are good ideas.
My feeling is that the woman is both afraid and rude. She probably did not think I was a cancer patient and considered me a rude person who was insensitive to her mother's condition. It's all in your perspective. But, she's the only person I've seen act that way in the four weeks I've been getting treatment and frequenting that room.
I will probably just go about my business as Sue suggested, but if she is in there and acts that way again, I would go out and sweetly chat with a volunteer, explaining that the woman seems nervous about her mother's health and is expecting the other patients not to use the phones or talk to one another, and then let the volunteer handle it.
These rooms really serve as informal support groups as people share their experiences and what they'e learned with each other. You learn the ropes of how to comfortably survive and thrive by talking to others.
Hopefully, the woman will settle down. But, I won't let her run me out of there again. The woman is probably obsessed with her perceived duty, but perhaps she will begin to notice others in the process and consider her duty to be gracious to others as well.
My feeling is that the woman is both afraid and rude. She probably did not think I was a cancer patient and considered me a rude person who was insensitive to her mother's condition. It's all in your perspective. But, she's the only person I've seen act that way in the four weeks I've been getting treatment and frequenting that room.
I will probably just go about my business as Sue suggested, but if she is in there and acts that way again, I would go out and sweetly chat with a volunteer, explaining that the woman seems nervous about her mother's health and is expecting the other patients not to use the phones or talk to one another, and then let the volunteer handle it.
These rooms really serve as informal support groups as people share their experiences and what they'e learned with each other. You learn the ropes of how to comfortably survive and thrive by talking to others.
Hopefully, the woman will settle down. But, I won't let her run me out of there again. The woman is probably obsessed with her perceived duty, but perhaps she will begin to notice others in the process and consider her duty to be gracious to others as well.
Posted on: 1/7/06 0:48 AM ET
In reply to QuickFade
I truly admire the way you handled that initial contact with her. The great thing about it is that you now have a week off from the need for that room, but they are just getting started. As someone has already pointed out, some of the initial reactions will have subsided & they will have a little better idea of how that room works when you get back there. I like your idea of letting a volunteer handle it if the need should come up. I'm sure, in the course of their work they learn to handle all the different types of personalities!



Meanwhile, do what you need to do to take care of your needs. YOU are a patient there -- that room is for your needs!
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Meanwhile, do what you need to do to take care of your needs. YOU are a patient there -- that room is for your needs!
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PVA (Pat) "A girl can't have too many scissors!"
If I don't have time to do it right, when will I have time to do it over?
If I don't have time to do it right, when will I have time to do it over?
Posted on: 1/7/06 2:52 AM ET
I would just ignore her and go about my business and give her a smile if you see her again . She probably also had a long trying day and was not her usual self.
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Penny
Fabric Mart Bundle Fabric sewn- 10.5 yds
Fabric Mart Bundle Fabric sewn- 10.5 yds
Posted on: 1/7/06 7:40 AM ET
You are handling it very well from what I read.. DO take care of yourself. 





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