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I need help trying to motivate a girl to do homework (Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews)
Posted on: 1/22/08 10:39 AM ET
I do Big Brothers and my 13 year old LS is truly unmotivated to do any homework. Last year, sixth grade, she was doing the homework but not handing it in. This year she is not doing any at all.
There are a lot of underlying issues involved, including a bad family situation and a school system that seems to fail at every turn.
Last week she tried to convince me that it was her mother's fault that she didn't do her homework. I tried to explain to her that she has ample opportunity to get any questions answered and get the work done while she is in school, but she wasn't buying it. (She is in 2 special homework help type programs at school!) So how do I convince her that she is old enough to take responsibility for her school work? How do I convince her that the choices she makes now will effect her later down the road?
She said that if she doesn't get promoted to 8th grade, a very real possibility right now, that she will just drop out of school. Yet she says that she wants to go to college to be a vet. I don't thinks she sees the big picture.
I would really appreciate any suggestions. She asked me last week to make her a dress. I know it's bribery, but I am considering telling her that I will make the dress if she brings her grades up.
Thanks,
Patricia
There are a lot of underlying issues involved, including a bad family situation and a school system that seems to fail at every turn.
Last week she tried to convince me that it was her mother's fault that she didn't do her homework. I tried to explain to her that she has ample opportunity to get any questions answered and get the work done while she is in school, but she wasn't buying it. (She is in 2 special homework help type programs at school!) So how do I convince her that she is old enough to take responsibility for her school work? How do I convince her that the choices she makes now will effect her later down the road?
She said that if she doesn't get promoted to 8th grade, a very real possibility right now, that she will just drop out of school. Yet she says that she wants to go to college to be a vet. I don't thinks she sees the big picture.
I would really appreciate any suggestions. She asked me last week to make her a dress. I know it's bribery, but I am considering telling her that I will make the dress if she brings her grades up.
Thanks,
Patricia
Posted on: 1/22/08 11:28 AM ET
In reply to Mrs. Cecil
Teach her to make the dress: one lesson for every week of completed homework.
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Fabric Purchased in 2011: 37 yards
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Fabric Sewn in 2011: 0 yards
Current Contest Moderator: Lined Jacket
Current Contest Participant: Mini Wardrobe
Posted on: 1/22/08 11:55 AM ET
In reply to Mrs. Cecil
Therisa' suggestion is a good one if you are able to do it.
What are your state's regs for how the age a student can choose to drop out? Can she do it at 13-14? Have you asked her what she would do if she were not in school? Can she get a job? Would her mother want her to work if she is not in school? If so, can she be hired by anyone at her age?
Are there things she wants but can not have due to lack of $? Can you talk about this with her? Maybe long term is not the view. Perhaps short term is, i.e., if LS wants clothes or whatever, how does she plan to get the things she wants without a job? Can you get a printout from the IRS website to show her how much take how pay she would get if she had a min wage job and worked 20-40 hours a week? Maybe look at want ads to see what kind of jobs are out there and available for someone her age and (lack of) experience. Talk about her options now in a more concrete way and then the reality that they don't do much for her future.
You have my respect for what you are trying to do. Don't give up!
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What are your state's regs for how the age a student can choose to drop out? Can she do it at 13-14? Have you asked her what she would do if she were not in school? Can she get a job? Would her mother want her to work if she is not in school? If so, can she be hired by anyone at her age?
Are there things she wants but can not have due to lack of $? Can you talk about this with her? Maybe long term is not the view. Perhaps short term is, i.e., if LS wants clothes or whatever, how does she plan to get the things she wants without a job? Can you get a printout from the IRS website to show her how much take how pay she would get if she had a min wage job and worked 20-40 hours a week? Maybe look at want ads to see what kind of jobs are out there and available for someone her age and (lack of) experience. Talk about her options now in a more concrete way and then the reality that they don't do much for her future.
You have my respect for what you are trying to do. Don't give up!
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"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin
"Attitude is the difference between an adventure and an ordeal." unknown
“Be curious, not judgmental.” Ted Lasso
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin
"Attitude is the difference between an adventure and an ordeal." unknown
“Be curious, not judgmental.” Ted Lasso
Posted on: 1/22/08 12:01 PM ET
Not sure why everyone talks about "bribing" kids like it's a bad thing. I mean, would you go to work every day if they didn't "bribe" you with a paycheck?
Some kids are born motivated, others are taught to be motivated starting at a young age. It's really hard to start when they get to be 13.
Therisa's idea is a really good one. Or, if she isn't interested in actually sewing, you could sew the dress piece by piece, one week at a time, i.e., step one (in the instructions) for 1 week of completed homework, step two for the second week of completed homework, and so on.
I'm sure you've already done this, but if she really has a burning desire to be a vet (as opposed to a casual interest), you could try just asking her, when she talks about dropping out of school, how is that going to help you reach your goal of becoming a vet? Some people truly have a desire to do something, but have no concept of how to turn it into a reality. It also might help if you have a goal (for anything) right now, to talk about it with her, what your goal is, and how you're going about achieving it.
Good luck and bless you for caring enough to do what you do.
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Some kids are born motivated, others are taught to be motivated starting at a young age. It's really hard to start when they get to be 13.
Therisa's idea is a really good one. Or, if she isn't interested in actually sewing, you could sew the dress piece by piece, one week at a time, i.e., step one (in the instructions) for 1 week of completed homework, step two for the second week of completed homework, and so on.
I'm sure you've already done this, but if she really has a burning desire to be a vet (as opposed to a casual interest), you could try just asking her, when she talks about dropping out of school, how is that going to help you reach your goal of becoming a vet? Some people truly have a desire to do something, but have no concept of how to turn it into a reality. It also might help if you have a goal (for anything) right now, to talk about it with her, what your goal is, and how you're going about achieving it.
Good luck and bless you for caring enough to do what you do.
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Paula
"In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running."
- Jeff Bezos, Amazon.com founder
Visit my blog at www.sewconfused.blogspot.com
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/paulag1955/sewing-inspiration/
"In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running."
- Jeff Bezos, Amazon.com founder
Visit my blog at www.sewconfused.blogspot.com
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/paulag1955/sewing-inspiration/
Posted on: 1/22/08 12:34 PM ET
If this young lady is interested in possibly becoming a vet, is there an animal shelter where the two of you could do some volunteer work? Maybe tie that to getting homework done...another way to connect her to reality.
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"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin
"Attitude is the difference between an adventure and an ordeal." unknown
“Be curious, not judgmental.” Ted Lasso
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin
"Attitude is the difference between an adventure and an ordeal." unknown
“Be curious, not judgmental.” Ted Lasso
Posted on: 1/22/08 1:45 PM ET
A bribe will help in the short term, but if she's going to succeed she needs internal rather than external motivation. Nothing is going to make homework fun, particularly if she sees dropping out as a viable alternative. If she's growing up with a family that doesn't value her, or education, and hasn't imparted to her
a sense of self-worth, the poor kid's in a tough place. It's good she has you for support.
Anyway, I'm wondering if what might help is finding young women who persevered in similar circumstances and have done things with their lives. Where I live in Philadelphia there are frequently articles about women who got pregnant (often multiple times), dropped out, lived on welfare and their family's generosity, and finally decided to take charge of their own futures. It sounds like your LS needs to see that it is possible to take charge of her life and make something of herself.
Unfortunately that's going to be much harder for you to pull off. Maybe sewing together will give you additional opportunities to talk about success and feeling good about yourself. It sure can't hurt.
a sense of self-worth, the poor kid's in a tough place. It's good she has you for support.
Anyway, I'm wondering if what might help is finding young women who persevered in similar circumstances and have done things with their lives. Where I live in Philadelphia there are frequently articles about women who got pregnant (often multiple times), dropped out, lived on welfare and their family's generosity, and finally decided to take charge of their own futures. It sounds like your LS needs to see that it is possible to take charge of her life and make something of herself.
Unfortunately that's going to be much harder for you to pull off. Maybe sewing together will give you additional opportunities to talk about success and feeling good about yourself. It sure can't hurt.
Posted on: 1/22/08 2:23 PM ET
In reply to Mrs. Cecil
Your LS sounds depressed. Homework programs and various incentive ideas just don't work when a child is depressed. Anxiety about her life combined with depression will make her inattentive and unable to concentrate on anything for any period of time.
It's not your specific task in the program to help this girl with her homework, is it? If she is already in two homework programs at school then it might be much better for you to spend your time with her doing plain life things and talking about whatever comes to mind. Sewing is a life thing, cooking is too, and these are things that so important to know.
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It's not your specific task in the program to help this girl with her homework, is it? If she is already in two homework programs at school then it might be much better for you to spend your time with her doing plain life things and talking about whatever comes to mind. Sewing is a life thing, cooking is too, and these are things that so important to know.
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Liz
thefittinglife.blogspot.com
thefittinglife.blogspot.com
Posted on: 1/22/08 2:48 PM ET
I am not sure she can get a job at her age unless she wants a paper route. I remember waiting until I was 16 to get a fast food job.
For me, the biggest problem was that people spoke in sweeping generalities. "Your future" is a good example because I couldn't imagine what that meant. I couldn't remember my books half the time much less think about some kind of future.
I didn't "get it" until I decided that I wanted something and then had to figure out for myself how to get what I wanted.
So, I actually didn't care enough to remember my books. It wasn't until internal motivation set in that I started to care and that didn't happen until someone told me that I did well as opposed to telling me what I did wrong.
Plus people had been telling me to "do it" instead of "how" to do it.
Internal motivation is generated in three ways:
1) personal recognition -these people need to hear how good their effort was to reinforce it
2) public applause -these people need others to hear about their good effort
3) compensation -these people need to receive some form of payment for effort, or even earning a good grade is the desire here
I suggest you help her talk through the process of getting from point A to B to C. Baby steps to move from no homework to some homework to all homework. Encourage her to keep track of progress because it is concrete and she can look at her achievements on paper.
Figure out what type of person she is. Does she need to hear positive reinforcement herself or does she need other people to hear about her? Does she need to receive compensation of some sort? Once you figure how she ticks you can help her learn how to motivate her own self... a life long skill.
I am so glad you are loving her enough to help. She obviously doesn't have anyone in her family doing so.
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For me, the biggest problem was that people spoke in sweeping generalities. "Your future" is a good example because I couldn't imagine what that meant. I couldn't remember my books half the time much less think about some kind of future.
I didn't "get it" until I decided that I wanted something and then had to figure out for myself how to get what I wanted.
So, I actually didn't care enough to remember my books. It wasn't until internal motivation set in that I started to care and that didn't happen until someone told me that I did well as opposed to telling me what I did wrong.
Plus people had been telling me to "do it" instead of "how" to do it.
Internal motivation is generated in three ways:
1) personal recognition -these people need to hear how good their effort was to reinforce it
2) public applause -these people need others to hear about their good effort
3) compensation -these people need to receive some form of payment for effort, or even earning a good grade is the desire here
I suggest you help her talk through the process of getting from point A to B to C. Baby steps to move from no homework to some homework to all homework. Encourage her to keep track of progress because it is concrete and she can look at her achievements on paper.
Figure out what type of person she is. Does she need to hear positive reinforcement herself or does she need other people to hear about her? Does she need to receive compensation of some sort? Once you figure how she ticks you can help her learn how to motivate her own self... a life long skill.
I am so glad you are loving her enough to help. She obviously doesn't have anyone in her family doing so.

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Leah
Posted on: 1/22/08 2:50 PM ET
In reply to Sewliz
Quote: Sewliz
Your LS sounds depressed. Homework programs and various incentive ideas just don't work when a child is depressed.
Your LS sounds depressed. Homework programs and various incentive ideas just don't work when a child is depressed.
I agree with Liz; she sounds depressed and anxious. Also when students don't do their homework, it's often because they *can't* do their homework (cognitively) and they just use disinterest as a cover for their lack of understanding.
If you want to discover for yourself her learning skills, why don't you investigate to see which celebrity she admires. Find an newspaper or magazine article about that celebrity, ask your LS to read the article to herself, and then explain to you what she's read in as much specifity as she can manage. That will tell you a lot about her reading comprehension, as well as her concentration (depression?) abilities.
You can do a similar math test, which might include sewing measurements, or a window shopping trip where she keeps track of and adds prices (including the percentage of sales tax) of the 'wish list' items.
Once you know whether she's educationally deficient or emotionally affected, you'll have a better idea what to try to do for her.
If she's both deficient and depressed, your task is much, much harder, and you might have to settle for just being her friend - as she can't envision a future life of accomplishment.
And, oh yeah, bribing a kid is fine.
--Lily
Edited to say: Just read Leora's post re: internal motivation. What a succinct, insightful understanding of the concept.
-- Edited on 1/22/08 2:55 PM --
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Lily
Posted on: 1/22/08 7:36 PM ET
When you find out, let me know. My son didn't do math homework for an entire quarter. He claims he just does not value school but does not see dropping out as a viable course of action. He figures he can go to summer school or repeat the grade if absolutely necessary.
He is 15. This started in 7th grade (failing classes). However, he usually does not fail the same classes each time. This year he is though probably because math is building concepts-- and he is naturally talented with math. I try not to give up hope, he stated he will be concientious this next quarter. After everything I went through in the last couple of years, I have considered that it is about control. I've given up getting upset about it and just remind him that the primrose path of failing classes just leads to more school or even more boring, dead end jobs (if he thinks there are lots of idiots in highschool, just wait to meet your first manager).
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He is 15. This started in 7th grade (failing classes). However, he usually does not fail the same classes each time. This year he is though probably because math is building concepts-- and he is naturally talented with math. I try not to give up hope, he stated he will be concientious this next quarter. After everything I went through in the last couple of years, I have considered that it is about control. I've given up getting upset about it and just remind him that the primrose path of failing classes just leads to more school or even more boring, dead end jobs (if he thinks there are lots of idiots in highschool, just wait to meet your first manager).
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Be true to yourself. Push your boundaries. Do everything with love in your heart and a grin in your head. Move a little, eat good food, enjoy good health. Spread sunshine.
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