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Member since 2/9/04
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Posted on: 1/12/09 9:47 AM ET
A friend of mine was recently telling me that her 7 year-old was invited to a classmate's birthday party, via E-vite, etc., and that her daughter was looking forward to attending. They had planned on gifting the 7-year old birthday girl with a nice toy on (post-holiday) sale .

Next thing she knows, there is a follow-up e-vite email, telling the guests' parents that since the birthday is so soon after Christmas and their daughter has plenty of toys, they would like their daughter to receive gifts of either cash or Savings Bonds for college. Uuuummmm........ right.

My friend was livid. My friend said they can't even pay for their own son to go to college, and no way was she going to fund another kid's college career. I was also appalled, but told my friend I had read about such things in magazines and newspapers, over the past several years, usually in the "this-is-so-appalling" type columns. My friend's daughter will not be attending the party now, which is a shame, but now they cannot "afford" to send their daughter to the party.

Anyway, I'm ranting here, on her behalf, because I find this type invitation and direction of what-to-give somewhat disappointing. Especially for a 7 year old birthday.
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Member since 8/24/02
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Posted on: 1/12/09 9:59 AM ET
In reply to Doris W. in TN
I have never faced that, but I generally do ask what sort of gift the child would like when I RSVP. If I already had a certain gift picked out or purchased I would go with that and not ask.

I do not understand why your friend's child cannot go to the party and take the toy gift that they had in mind?

Actually many years ago when my oldest was young (he is 23) Teenaged Mutant Turtles were just out and all the rage. I put a not on his birthday invitations asking that he NOT be given any of those toys. He had behavioral issues and would get out of control playing with action figures.
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Posted on: 1/12/09 10:19 AM ET
In reply to Michelle T
My friend did not want her daughter to be the only one to give a toy, when the invitation said 'money only.' She is very conscious of her daughter "fitting in" because they are foreigners. We live in an upscale area but my friend happens to live in the school zone that doesn't match their income level.

I have no problem with invitations that specify what NOT to give, like action figures, etc. (I remember TMNT. Our DS is 27)
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Member since 7/23/07
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Posted on: 1/12/09 10:24 AM ET
Wow! That is a little bit crazy... I can see maybe asking family to not give toys - several of my family members always made a point to give clothing or books, or grandma maybe wants to always contribute to school funds, etc. But asking the kids to bring money - no way. I suppose one way to get around it would be to donate to a charity in the child's name? But as you say, for a newcomer wanting to be like everyone else, that still might be uncomfortable.
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Member since 11/8/06
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Re: kids birthday parties (posted on 1/12/09 10:28 AM ET)
I would contact the other kid's mother and let her know the situation, and still send my child to the party. I think the child will feel more like she fits in if she gets to go to the party, rather than if she is sitting at home missing all of the fun. It feels like a punishment to me.
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Member since 3/27/08
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Posted on: 1/12/09 10:29 AM ET
We're kind of new to the birthday party circuit, my DS is 6. I've never had this happen luckily, but do kind of live in the boonies. I imagine though that it probably happens more these days. I hear about people putting on wedding invites that they only want cash.

If I was in your friend's shoes, my son would not be going either, not because of the cost but more of the principle of it.

No wonder our society is in the financial straits it's in, are we ever going to learn? Sorry, soapbox moment...
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Member since 9/5/08
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Posted on: 1/12/09 10:38 AM ET
In reply to Michelle T
In general, I don't think people should tell others what to or not to give, though I think in your case it was a very reasonable exception (behavioral issues are definitely important!)

One year, though I did tell my neighbors NOT to send gifts with their kids to my daughter's birthday. I did it for two reasons - I invited the children at the last minute, and because I knew they were struggling to pay for their own needs, let alone a gift for my daughter. I just wanted their kids to come, as they were my daughter's good friends. Plus, the kids were all little, and my daughter would never have noticed, and as her birthday is so near Christmas, it really was unnecessary.

This year, though, I didn't do that. The kids are older now, and really WANT to bring a gift. And the family that is struggling - they managed to find an inexpensive gift (a big pack of fairy-themed temporary tattoos) that was one of my daughter's absolutely favorite birthday gifts. A month later, she's still putting on 2-3 tattoos a week.

I agree with the going anyway, and just taking whatever you want. People do NOT have the right to dictate gifts. I think registries are on the line as it is. They are awfully helpful to those who want to give something the couple/new parents/etc want, but I think they can cross the line into entitlement of specific gifts (and yes, I had a registry when Chris and I got married). When I receive a shower or wedding invite, I look over the registries. If there is something on it that I *want* to give, then I use the registry. Otherwise, I pick whatever I want to give, get a gift receipt, and enclose it in a sealed envelope with a note "gift receipt enclosed - open only if you need to return the item" and enclose that inside the box.
-- Edited on 1/12/09 10:39 AM --
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Member since 12/6/03
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Posted on: 1/12/09 10:39 AM ET
In reply to Doris W. in TN
We just had a party for my gd, who had a birthday on the 5th, but we celebrated on the 10th. My older girls always send out an invitation cleverly done up with suggestions what their child would like, but since I sew, they usually get something made from me.

If I were your friend, I would call the mom and explain she had already bought a toy for their dd and therefore would not be giving a gift of money. I would call the party mom and ask her "How can you help me alleviate this challenge??" The party mom may have a very good solution to save face for your friends little girl.

I am going to be transparent here. A similar situation happened to me in 5th grade and it was a humiliating mess for me as a child. My mother did talk to me and then called the party mom furious, and it was all straightened out, but not at the expense of my feelings. For your friend, her dd's status in the group is at stake and someone should ask her what she thinks ought to happen here. The party may or may not be important to her. Believe me! Letting the girl have a voice in the matter is extremely important, and in all fairness, the party mom may not realize she is creating a challenge at all, and would not hurt the little girl's feelings if she could avoid it. Status may not or should not have anything to do with this situation, but a little girl's feeling are paramount. I would be willing to bet she does not care about squabbling adults, and just wants a way to the party.
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Member since 5/10/05
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Posted on: 1/12/09 12:11 PM ET
In reply to Ody
I'm sort of with the other side here. I certainly agree that no one should dictate on what gift to bring to a party, BUT on the other hand, I really try and encourage people not to buy my kid toys.

My kid doesn't take care of anything. And I assume that it's because she has so much. I feel terrible when someone gives her something, and a week later it's in the trash. WHen i'm asked what to get for DD, I usually tell them anything consumable; stickers, play-doh, crayons etc... She uses that stuff up before it has a chance to hit the trash can.

I think it's tacky to ask for cash, and I would not do it. But I do understand.


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Posted on: 1/12/09 4:16 PM ET
In reply to Doris W. in TN
Maybe I'm being obtuse, but wouldn't the ten dollars they intended to spend on the toy be a fine "donation?" It seems to me that there is a matter of class here, but if the little girl does want to go, she could make a card for aher friend and put in a crisply ironed ten dollar bill. Surely at seven that is a remarkable sum?
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