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A child we asked to move out years ago has reappeared (Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews)
Posted on: 6/23/11 0:47 AM ET
We helped raise our nephew and he lived with us some part of 9 years. We sent him to college A and he flunked out, we sent him to college B and he flunked out and we sent him back to college A and he flunked out. It was never his fault... it was the teacher or the college or some other bad luck.
He coudln't find a job he felt worthy of him for almost 6 months after the last school failure. Finally he did get a job and we told him he was out of the house when he turned 21. We told him this monthly when he didn't pay his car insurance (so we did) and when he couldn't affort the needed tires because he had to get a new computer first (so we gave him them for Christmas) Everyone but him heard us loud and clear... 21 and out. He didn't believe us, but he turned 21 and we moved him to an apartment, helped furnish it and put some funds in his account.
He did not contact us for 3 years. Zero, Zip, Zilch contact. No calls. No letters. No visits. NOTHING. I have cried and prayed. I finally accepted this is the way it would be.
But, he recently contacted us and asked to be given the last of his mother's life insurance money (12,500) for a car since he can't get a job without one. My DH takes it to him, and the next day nephew calls to say he was "robbed".
Now this young man wants to move back here... (offered to live in our shed if we had too many people in the house!) We already have my Granddaughter and great grandson living with us, my DH has heart trouble and I am still working full time. WHAT DO I OWE THIS Young MAN? I am in tears, I cannot and will not talk to him. All my hard earned peace has gone and I may even feel a little Hatred!
I am 63 years old and when do I get to stop taking care of the world?
Sorry, long post, am just sick to my stomach over this. Off to bed, to pray and to sleep.






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He coudln't find a job he felt worthy of him for almost 6 months after the last school failure. Finally he did get a job and we told him he was out of the house when he turned 21. We told him this monthly when he didn't pay his car insurance (so we did) and when he couldn't affort the needed tires because he had to get a new computer first (so we gave him them for Christmas) Everyone but him heard us loud and clear... 21 and out. He didn't believe us, but he turned 21 and we moved him to an apartment, helped furnish it and put some funds in his account.
He did not contact us for 3 years. Zero, Zip, Zilch contact. No calls. No letters. No visits. NOTHING. I have cried and prayed. I finally accepted this is the way it would be.
But, he recently contacted us and asked to be given the last of his mother's life insurance money (12,500) for a car since he can't get a job without one. My DH takes it to him, and the next day nephew calls to say he was "robbed".
Now this young man wants to move back here... (offered to live in our shed if we had too many people in the house!) We already have my Granddaughter and great grandson living with us, my DH has heart trouble and I am still working full time. WHAT DO I OWE THIS Young MAN? I am in tears, I cannot and will not talk to him. All my hard earned peace has gone and I may even feel a little Hatred!
I am 63 years old and when do I get to stop taking care of the world?
Sorry, long post, am just sick to my stomach over this. Off to bed, to pray and to sleep.







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JanieV
Posted on: 6/23/11 0:55 AM ET
You owe him nothing but TOUGH love. Make him stand on his own two feet.
In all brutal honesty, it sounds like he has been taking advantage of you for years. It's time for him to grow up now.
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In all brutal honesty, it sounds like he has been taking advantage of you for years. It's time for him to grow up now.
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I don't really make mistakes ... I create "learning opportunities"! Murphy says: The better you match the thread to the fabric, the more likely you will need to rip some stitches out! I spend more quality time with my seamripper than I like ...
Yes, I DO love fabric!!
Happy owner of a band of Brothers: LX-3125, CS-770, CE5500 PRW, a PE-770 emb ... and now Kenmore 158.18032 and 148.12190
Blogging my "learning opportunites" at http://sewingmissadventure.blogspot.com/
Yes, I DO love fabric!!
Happy owner of a band of Brothers: LX-3125, CS-770, CE5500 PRW, a PE-770 emb ... and now Kenmore 158.18032 and 148.12190
Blogging my "learning opportunites" at http://sewingmissadventure.blogspot.com/
Posted on: 6/23/11 0:58 AM ET
In reply to Janie Viers
It is too hard to see clearly when you're emotionally this close to a situation. I know; I have been there.
For the sake of your peace of mind, and to get a better perspective, please make an appointment for a session with a family counselor. If your husband will not go, make the appointment for yourself. Your nephew should not be present for this initial consult.
Believe me, your situation is not unique; a family counselor will have seen it many times before, and will help you figure out what you can do that will be best for you--and for your 24 year old nephew as well.
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For the sake of your peace of mind, and to get a better perspective, please make an appointment for a session with a family counselor. If your husband will not go, make the appointment for yourself. Your nephew should not be present for this initial consult.
Believe me, your situation is not unique; a family counselor will have seen it many times before, and will help you figure out what you can do that will be best for you--and for your 24 year old nephew as well.
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Elona
Posted on: 6/23/11 1:17 AM ET
Elona, Sadly, I do not want to go to counseling with any more family members! My DH would go, but I don't want to be in the same room with Nephew. We supported him and tried to help him in 1,000 ways. I feel badly that my faith isn't leading me to treat him like the prodigal son.... I feel more like Moses did when he saw the promised land he knew he wouldn't walk on and started yelling at the Hebrews... "40 years in the desert. Meals provided almost like room service: manna for breakfast and quail for dinner and you never even noticed that your shoes never wore out... thankless bunch of people"
As the oldest in my family I have taken care of siblings, children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren, nephew, etc. I just want to scream: Please let me rest!
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As the oldest in my family I have taken care of siblings, children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren, nephew, etc. I just want to scream: Please let me rest!
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JanieV
Posted on: 6/23/11 1:36 AM ET
In reply to Janie Viers
As I said, your nephew should not be in the counseling session with you.
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Elona
Posted on: 6/23/11 1:42 AM ET
You have all my sympathy. While we all want to help others, it is also true that those being helped must do their part as well. We can give a hand to someone who's fallen down but they actually have to be willing to move their legs on their own and take some steps. If they don't want to get up, we certainly can't drag them along in life.
It seems you've gone above and beyond to set this young man on a good path. The fact that he hasn't stayed on a path of maturity & wisdom is neither your fault, nor your responsibility to put him back on that path. At 24, it's his own responsibility to stay on the path, as it is for each one of us.
I speak from personal experience and from recently saying no myself to a young person (a friend of our son's) who lived with us for 2 years after his father abandoned him at 18. We finally told him he had to move out after he refused to get a job or go to school even when we offered to pay for school. Within a month of leaving, he found a job and a place to live!
My response would be to kindly but firmly say no, it's not possible for him to move in anywhere on the property and neither is it possible to financially support him. I don't elaborate on the reasons why and I try to make sure my voice is very calm. I express confidence in his ability to find resources and connections on his own. And then that's it. No more explaining, no more waffling, no more listening to pleas because they'll try to guilt one into caving.
Another friend with a similar situation offered to help write a resume, and drive the young man to places with Help Wanted signs or to job interviews. This worked. The young man walked into a hotel, ran into a manager and came out an hour later with a job which he held for 3 years before going back to school.
Good luck, be strong, stay calm.
It seems you've gone above and beyond to set this young man on a good path. The fact that he hasn't stayed on a path of maturity & wisdom is neither your fault, nor your responsibility to put him back on that path. At 24, it's his own responsibility to stay on the path, as it is for each one of us.
I speak from personal experience and from recently saying no myself to a young person (a friend of our son's) who lived with us for 2 years after his father abandoned him at 18. We finally told him he had to move out after he refused to get a job or go to school even when we offered to pay for school. Within a month of leaving, he found a job and a place to live!
My response would be to kindly but firmly say no, it's not possible for him to move in anywhere on the property and neither is it possible to financially support him. I don't elaborate on the reasons why and I try to make sure my voice is very calm. I express confidence in his ability to find resources and connections on his own. And then that's it. No more explaining, no more waffling, no more listening to pleas because they'll try to guilt one into caving.
Another friend with a similar situation offered to help write a resume, and drive the young man to places with Help Wanted signs or to job interviews. This worked. The young man walked into a hotel, ran into a manager and came out an hour later with a job which he held for 3 years before going back to school.
Good luck, be strong, stay calm.
Posted on: 6/23/11 1:46 AM ET
Accept your limitations. The world is full of needy people, some of them in a really bad way. You can't do everything for all of them, because you need the same things as other people do - respect, rest, time off, sick leave.
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http://patternpandemonium.wordpress.com/
Posted on: 6/23/11 1:51 AM ET
There does come a time to say no. And it's ok to do it, though it's very hard.
From a faith perspective, in the story of the prodigal son he really was sorry! You don't know what the situation is here. At most I would be saying 'No you can't move in' and maintain some contact to see where your nephew is at. There are other stories - look at Jonah... God took a pretty hard line on him doing what was required.
Continually being bailed out of financial problems will not help this young man (I sound tough, I know, but it's not a lack of love). You will not be able to help him forever, there must be a last time. At that time he will hopefully realise that he is an adult and will have to take responsibility for his own life. That time can be now. You can assist him with some parts but take it slow.
Good luck!
-- Edited on 6/23/11 1:54 AM --
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From a faith perspective, in the story of the prodigal son he really was sorry! You don't know what the situation is here. At most I would be saying 'No you can't move in' and maintain some contact to see where your nephew is at. There are other stories - look at Jonah... God took a pretty hard line on him doing what was required.
Continually being bailed out of financial problems will not help this young man (I sound tough, I know, but it's not a lack of love). You will not be able to help him forever, there must be a last time. At that time he will hopefully realise that he is an adult and will have to take responsibility for his own life. That time can be now. You can assist him with some parts but take it slow.
Good luck!
-- Edited on 6/23/11 1:54 AM --
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Mel (Melbourne, Australia)
Posted on: 6/23/11 2:10 AM ET
In reply to Janie Viers
Hi Janie again,
Just saw this after I posted my first response. One thought is that the prodigal son didn't come back with an attitude of entitlement but was genuinely repentant. He even said for his father to treat him as a servant.
I hope the Holy Spirit can help you discern where your nephew's heart is. Nowhere in the Scripture does it say we are to be doormats. On the contrary, Jesus told his disciples to be "as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves" (Matt. 10:16).
Whenever I've read of Jesus healing people, they have either exerted themselves to get to Him (Luke 8:44) OR He asks them to do some act. (John 5-He tells the cripple to "Get up"). Effort is required.
I do hope prayer to the Lord will give peace and direction to you.
(2 Thess. 3:16- Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.)
Braunie
Just saw this after I posted my first response. One thought is that the prodigal son didn't come back with an attitude of entitlement but was genuinely repentant. He even said for his father to treat him as a servant.
I hope the Holy Spirit can help you discern where your nephew's heart is. Nowhere in the Scripture does it say we are to be doormats. On the contrary, Jesus told his disciples to be "as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves" (Matt. 10:16).
Whenever I've read of Jesus healing people, they have either exerted themselves to get to Him (Luke 8:44) OR He asks them to do some act. (John 5-He tells the cripple to "Get up"). Effort is required.
I do hope prayer to the Lord will give peace and direction to you.
(2 Thess. 3:16- Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.)
Braunie
Posted on: 6/23/11 2:44 AM ET
Taking him back does him no favors. We had the same issue with my step-daughter 10 years ago. When we stopped giving her money and enabling her irresponsibility she was forced to fend for herself. Today she is a successful member of society. That would not have happened if we had not taken the tough steps. You have gone above and beyond to help your nephew. It's up to him now.
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