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help with the social aspect (Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews)
Posted on: 7/11/06 12:53 PM ET
My DD will be going to high school this fall and I am looking for advice in helping her with the social aspect. She has been in a small private school where she has had very few friends. She is immature for her age and was the only special ed (dyslexia, dysgraphia, small motor issues and speech) kid in her class. Watching her at school events, she interacts well with most of the kids, but does tend to get overly excited. Her speech can also be difficult to understand. She does tend to interrupt people and will frequently talk completely off topic. We've been working on thiose skills, and she has improved. She is outgoing and almost unfailingly kind and trusting. I feel a bit like we are throwing her to the wolves. Any wise words?
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Singer Featherweight, Bernina 1630, Bernina L890, Bernina 770QE, Bernina Q20
Posted on: 7/11/06 1:05 PM ET
My children are still young, but I'm already anticipating the tough transition to junior and high school. Personally, I hated high school. It's a difficult social environment, even for kids who have no special issues. I would definitely talk to the school if I were you. You already know that your dd has special challenges, so they should be aware of those issues anyways. Perhaps, the school can help your daughter by connecting her with a mentor/ support student. I recently read an article about a school that had created a program where students with social challenges (i think the student they used as an example had autism.) were paired with a student that showed them the ropes, helped them fit in etc. Perhaps a kind and mature teen student could volunteer to fill that role. It could be a temporary role to help your daughter transition.
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Patty
Posted on: 7/11/06 1:23 PM ET
I have a senior this year and #2 is going into 8th grade. Overall high school has been fairly uneventful. Of course it helped that she has been in the same school system so she went there with kids she already knew. How big is your high school? That seems to make a difference with some kids. Ours has about 2500 students so could really be intimidating to a child coming from a small school.
The biggest lesson we have learned is to stay on top of what is happening. Most importantly, know who her friends are! We have been burned once by bad friends. Now, we have become the house where everybody hangs out. Yes it can get loud at times, but I know where my girls are and what they are doing. I also get to know the friends pretty well after awhile.
Both of my dd's seemed to have had the most trouble in Jr. High. 13 and 14 are really tough ages for girls with lots of emotional upheavals. We are extremely blessed to have free professional counselors at our church and both girls have talked to them about different issues. It has really made a difference having them available. While I think I have good relationships with both girls, sometimes they just need someone else to talk to (usually younger :)) other than mom.
The biggest lesson we have learned is to stay on top of what is happening. Most importantly, know who her friends are! We have been burned once by bad friends. Now, we have become the house where everybody hangs out. Yes it can get loud at times, but I know where my girls are and what they are doing. I also get to know the friends pretty well after awhile.
Both of my dd's seemed to have had the most trouble in Jr. High. 13 and 14 are really tough ages for girls with lots of emotional upheavals. We are extremely blessed to have free professional counselors at our church and both girls have talked to them about different issues. It has really made a difference having them available. While I think I have good relationships with both girls, sometimes they just need someone else to talk to (usually younger :)) other than mom.
Posted on: 7/11/06 1:33 PM ET
IMHO, anyone who can survive the brutality of middle school will find high school much easier going. Both my kids commented that until they were in high school, they had no idea how unhappy they had been in middle school. HS students, while still kids, show more maturity (everything is relative, I know) and are usually too busy and too focused on their own lives to spend much time harassing others. Best wishes for an easy transition for your DD; I hope HS will be a great experience for her.
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“Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.” -Robert Heinlein and Ann's father. Thanks for the reminder, Ann.
Where are we going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
Matthew 25:40 (New International Version)
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Where are we going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
Matthew 25:40 (New International Version)
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Posted on: 7/11/06 1:36 PM ET
High school students ARE wolves. It goes with the territory.
But, in a bigger school she might also have more kinds of kids at various levels of development to find friends among.
Is there something - anything- that she excels in? Or is particularly interested in that could be encouraged or developed in the couple of months before school starts? Something that might provide a "built-in" peer group formed around some task or activity that she enjoys and provide a group of peers who will appreciate her talents and skills and support her in the things she is good at/enjoys doing.
Some sense of confidence in her abilities in SOME area would be helpful in focussing her on something other than the purely "beauty contest" aspect of the social hierarchy that high school imposes. (and that can break a kid's heart and spirit.)
I was a complete disaster at sports/athletics (still am) and at math (still am) but I hung out with the art, band (I played flute and wasn't really much good at THAT either but I made friends in band anyway) and theater kids and the kids who LIKED to read books. A lot of us were decidedly eccentric--some of us were probably even "weird" but we had common interests and passions and we (wolfishly) made fun of the jocks and cheerleaders and stoners...
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But, in a bigger school she might also have more kinds of kids at various levels of development to find friends among.
Is there something - anything- that she excels in? Or is particularly interested in that could be encouraged or developed in the couple of months before school starts? Something that might provide a "built-in" peer group formed around some task or activity that she enjoys and provide a group of peers who will appreciate her talents and skills and support her in the things she is good at/enjoys doing.
Some sense of confidence in her abilities in SOME area would be helpful in focussing her on something other than the purely "beauty contest" aspect of the social hierarchy that high school imposes. (and that can break a kid's heart and spirit.)
I was a complete disaster at sports/athletics (still am) and at math (still am) but I hung out with the art, band (I played flute and wasn't really much good at THAT either but I made friends in band anyway) and theater kids and the kids who LIKED to read books. A lot of us were decidedly eccentric--some of us were probably even "weird" but we had common interests and passions and we (wolfishly) made fun of the jocks and cheerleaders and stoners...
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I am going for a level of perfection that is only mine... Most of the pleasure is in getting that last little piece perfect...Inspiration is for amateurs. The rest of us just keep showing up and doing the work.
Chuck Close, painter, printmaker, photographer
Hope has two lovely daughters: Anger and Courage
St. Augustine
Chuck Close, painter, printmaker, photographer
Hope has two lovely daughters: Anger and Courage
St. Augustine
Posted on: 7/11/06 2:01 PM ET
In reply to Karla Kizer
Quote: Karla Kizer
HS students, while still kids, show more maturity (everything is relative, I know) and are usually too busy and too focused on their own lives to spend much time harassing others.
HS students, while still kids, show more maturity (everything is relative, I know) and are usually too busy and too focused on their own lives to spend much time harassing others.
After reading this topic I originally was remembering how much I hated the social aspect of highschool. But reading Karla's comment made me realize that the parts I hated had nothing to do with actual harrassment, because after about the second month of the first year, very few students were quite that immature or stuck for something better to do.
The things I hated had more to do with Terry's description of "beauty contest mentality" and self-confidence issues. Based on your description of your DD, I think her warm personality and natural good nature will help her to avoid some of that (I have neither of those personality traits to rely on, I'm afraid
). I really like Terry's idea of helping her find a group of peers related to something she enjoys and excells at (or perhaps just has less difficulty with). A small group of good friends can really be all that's needed in a big school. I wish you both luck in the fall!
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kristine
quote of the day:
"People all over the world, join in -- on the Love Train, Love Train..." ~the O'Jays
quote of the day:
"People all over the world, join in -- on the Love Train, Love Train..." ~the O'Jays
Posted on: 7/11/06 4:11 PM ET
Youngest DD and I were talking about high school this weekend. She's now 22. She said that jr. high was the worst. She found friends to hang out with in high school. She was in water polo and in the anime club. She hung out with band people and goths and they harrassed the geeks that played Pokeman cards games.
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Marilyn
January 2009 to January 2010 81 yards out and 71yards in January 2010 to the present 106.7 yards out and 146.5 yards in. January 2011 to the present: 47 yards out and 69 yards in.
January 2009 to January 2010 81 yards out and 71yards in January 2010 to the present 106.7 yards out and 146.5 yards in. January 2011 to the present: 47 yards out and 69 yards in.
Re: Transition to High School LONG response (posted on 7/11/06 6:50 PM ET)
In reply to sailor girl
It is so hard watching out kids grow up and knowing they will face knocks and bruises along the way.
I am a high school special education teacher consultant who does program planning for any student coming to our school. I'd encourage you to get in touch with the school if you haven't already. School people can be very helpful in making such a transition, especially if they are aware of your daughters needs It sounds like your DD has some academic needs as well as social. I don't know how your school district addresses these issues but will share a bit of how we do it.
1. Talk to someone who has the authority to advocate for your DD. In summer it might be the principal or assistant principal, be frank with them and ask them to inform the spec. ed. folks about your DD's enrollment.
2. Provide documentation such as the last IEP (educational plan) and any diagnostic reports you may have.
3. Ask about class options. ie. We have basic, regular and advance placement English classes for instance. We also have some special education academic classes but really believe it is better to service kids in the regular classroom.
Can they hand schedule your daughter to better meet her needs? Some kids do better with academics early in the day before fatigue sets in. Or some kids function better with certain teaching styles--sometimes there are choices and sometimes not.
Do they have a special education support hour (resource room) where kids can get support for academics as well as help intrepreting the high school in general? A caring adult in the building during the school day can be a tremendous resource. We try to have all freshmen who have special education needs with us for their 1st semester of high school. This allows the kids to get to know us, feel comfortable coming to us when they need help and understand what accommodations they can request and how to get them when necessary--these are big deals! It also gives the kids a class period a day to get help with assignments or work on finishing up class tests or whatever they might need.
4. Does your daughter have friends from a church group, brownies, 4H??? Arrange play dates with someone or several someones your daughters age, these kids may be able to introduce her to their social group, invite her to sit with them at lunch, etc. Which will help ease her transition.
5. Someone already mentioned student groups - music - Choir doesn't require many years of prior practice to join in high school. If your DD has special interests... try to find out if there are related groups at the high school, principals, guidance counselors and spec. ed. folks can help you figure this out. Help DD get to a couple meetings to try it out. Sports are a great social outlet but not everyone has interest or aptitude at the HS level.
6. If you can get DD's schedule before school starts then you can go walk around school the week before classes resume. Practice walking to her classes in order, notice where the bathrooms are located--this is important
spend time in the building so the environment is more familiar. This can reduce some of the stress of those fist days of HS.
7. Acknowledge this is a big step for DD that is both exciting and a little scary. Talk about your DDs successful accomplishments to remind her she can do this. Just be supportive and remember DD is probably going to be very tired those first few weeks of school.
Enjoy those exciting HS years with DD.
Alice
I am a high school special education teacher consultant who does program planning for any student coming to our school. I'd encourage you to get in touch with the school if you haven't already. School people can be very helpful in making such a transition, especially if they are aware of your daughters needs It sounds like your DD has some academic needs as well as social. I don't know how your school district addresses these issues but will share a bit of how we do it.
1. Talk to someone who has the authority to advocate for your DD. In summer it might be the principal or assistant principal, be frank with them and ask them to inform the spec. ed. folks about your DD's enrollment.
2. Provide documentation such as the last IEP (educational plan) and any diagnostic reports you may have.
3. Ask about class options. ie. We have basic, regular and advance placement English classes for instance. We also have some special education academic classes but really believe it is better to service kids in the regular classroom.
Can they hand schedule your daughter to better meet her needs? Some kids do better with academics early in the day before fatigue sets in. Or some kids function better with certain teaching styles--sometimes there are choices and sometimes not.
Do they have a special education support hour (resource room) where kids can get support for academics as well as help intrepreting the high school in general? A caring adult in the building during the school day can be a tremendous resource. We try to have all freshmen who have special education needs with us for their 1st semester of high school. This allows the kids to get to know us, feel comfortable coming to us when they need help and understand what accommodations they can request and how to get them when necessary--these are big deals! It also gives the kids a class period a day to get help with assignments or work on finishing up class tests or whatever they might need.
4. Does your daughter have friends from a church group, brownies, 4H??? Arrange play dates with someone or several someones your daughters age, these kids may be able to introduce her to their social group, invite her to sit with them at lunch, etc. Which will help ease her transition.
5. Someone already mentioned student groups - music - Choir doesn't require many years of prior practice to join in high school. If your DD has special interests... try to find out if there are related groups at the high school, principals, guidance counselors and spec. ed. folks can help you figure this out. Help DD get to a couple meetings to try it out. Sports are a great social outlet but not everyone has interest or aptitude at the HS level.
6. If you can get DD's schedule before school starts then you can go walk around school the week before classes resume. Practice walking to her classes in order, notice where the bathrooms are located--this is important
spend time in the building so the environment is more familiar. This can reduce some of the stress of those fist days of HS.7. Acknowledge this is a big step for DD that is both exciting and a little scary. Talk about your DDs successful accomplishments to remind her she can do this. Just be supportive and remember DD is probably going to be very tired those first few weeks of school.
Enjoy those exciting HS years with DD.
Alice
Posted on: 7/11/06 10:11 PM ET
Great advice has been posted so far! My DS is a Spec. Ed student (Asperger Syndrome) and fitting in socially is an ongoing challenge.
Every year we arrange to meet all the teachers and staff a week or two before school starts. They get to know his needs and challenges ahead of time, and we can assess their willingness to accommodate him. They can be helpful in pairing him with other friendly students for group or partner work in class.
The school Social Worker helped find a group of students for him to sit with at lunch.
Joining an after school club or activity was one of the best things he did. A small group was less intimidating to him, and the other kids got to see his strengths and talents, not just the "differentness" that was more evident in regular classes where he was a little more stressed and socializing was harder.
I stayed in contact with all his teachers (mostly by email) when any questions or concerns came up, letting them know that I was very invested in his success.
As was stated by others, Middle School was quite awful compared to High School. I think I was more intimidated about this large school than he was.
I hope it goes well for your daughter.
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Every year we arrange to meet all the teachers and staff a week or two before school starts. They get to know his needs and challenges ahead of time, and we can assess their willingness to accommodate him. They can be helpful in pairing him with other friendly students for group or partner work in class.
The school Social Worker helped find a group of students for him to sit with at lunch.
Joining an after school club or activity was one of the best things he did. A small group was less intimidating to him, and the other kids got to see his strengths and talents, not just the "differentness" that was more evident in regular classes where he was a little more stressed and socializing was harder.
I stayed in contact with all his teachers (mostly by email) when any questions or concerns came up, letting them know that I was very invested in his success.
As was stated by others, Middle School was quite awful compared to High School. I think I was more intimidated about this large school than he was.
I hope it goes well for your daughter.
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Tamara
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Posted on: 7/11/06 10:36 PM ET
Great advice....I'd only add to make sure that she doesn't OVERschedule herself like my DD did this past year. She had a mini-breakdown because she thought she needed these 5 extra-curriculars, and it got to be WAY too much for her. So Balance is the key...and patience, and SUPPORT! Transition are rarely effortless for even the best of us! Be sensitive to her moods--she'll likely need you for a sounding board, it she sees you're open to listening to her. Who doesn't benefit from that?!
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