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Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews
Posted on: 3/1/11 1:32 PM ET
My husband's 97 year old father is in a nursing home about 30 miles from us. Seems like they call us every time he passes gas
I guess they are legally bound to let you know when there is a fall, bump, scratch etc. I can understand that, during the day....On occasion they have called us after 10:00 at night for something like a scratch. Husband told the nurses station to call his cell phone and leave a message after a certain time of night, for minor things. If his dad were being taken for emergency surgery or dead, call the house. In the last week, they have called at 10:30 and last night at 11:30. Last night the nurse called because they discovered a "small bruise on his hip"
I didn't look at the clock until I hung up the phone. I was livid when I saw what time it was. I hadn't gotten to bed till 10:30 and it took me close to 45 minutes to get to sleep. I was just drifting off in to that solid sleep(I only get about 2 hours of each night)when they called. I told husband that we are going down there before the end of the week and talk with the adminstrator. This has to stop.
I guess they are legally bound to let you know when there is a fall, bump, scratch etc. I can understand that, during the day....On occasion they have called us after 10:00 at night for something like a scratch. Husband told the nurses station to call his cell phone and leave a message after a certain time of night, for minor things. If his dad were being taken for emergency surgery or dead, call the house. In the last week, they have called at 10:30 and last night at 11:30. Last night the nurse called because they discovered a "small bruise on his hip"
I didn't look at the clock until I hung up the phone. I was livid when I saw what time it was. I hadn't gotten to bed till 10:30 and it took me close to 45 minutes to get to sleep. I was just drifting off in to that solid sleep(I only get about 2 hours of each night)when they called. I told husband that we are going down there before the end of the week and talk with the adminstrator. This has to stop.
Posted on: 3/1/11 3:22 PM ET
In reply to JTink
I don't know if your father in law is new to the nursing home.
I also know that when my grandmother was in a nursing home she was beaten by the staff...so a call like the one you received would have been a welcome one.
rather than being angry...it might make sense to set up a protocol with the staff..., a journal for staff to note unusual stuff for you to look at when you visit... ( the day care I worked in and the one I had sent my kids to had a similar system where both the staff and the responsible adults could make notes.) or perhaps a staff member is trying to alert you to something not being quite right in the home.
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I also know that when my grandmother was in a nursing home she was beaten by the staff...so a call like the one you received would have been a welcome one.
rather than being angry...it might make sense to set up a protocol with the staff..., a journal for staff to note unusual stuff for you to look at when you visit... ( the day care I worked in and the one I had sent my kids to had a similar system where both the staff and the responsible adults could make notes.) or perhaps a staff member is trying to alert you to something not being quite right in the home.
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sarah in nyc
https://sewnewyork.blogspot.com/
https://sewnewyork.blogspot.com/
Posted on: 3/1/11 3:35 PM ET
In reply to sarah in nyc
"I also know that when my grandmother was in a nursing home she was beaten by the staff.."
This terrifies me. Not to hijack this thread, but how does one keep a check on the treatment a family member who is unable to communicate and in a vulnerable position receives.
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This terrifies me. Not to hijack this thread, but how does one keep a check on the treatment a family member who is unable to communicate and in a vulnerable position receives.
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http://patternpandemonium.wordpress.com/
Posted on: 3/1/11 4:52 PM ET
My ddil works in a nursing home. Policy is to notify someone of an injury no matter how small. The best way to keep track of a loved one in a nursing home is to visit if at all possible. If you can get to know the cna's. They are the ones who work most closely with the residents.
Posted on: 3/1/11 5:00 PM ET
In reply to petro
I don't know. my grandmother didn't speak English but could communicate with my mother in Yiddish and told her what was going on....
When my mother in law was dying, she was at several different facilities for the last few weeks of her life. She was at that point, demented and quite terrified. at some of the fcilities, I was shocked at the behavior of the staff.They were mean to her.
OK, she wasn't the easiest person in the world under the best of circumstances, and she was terrified and defensve...but i couldnt imagine that this was the first demented old lady they had ever had to work with.
I could see that they were rougher with her than needed.Mostly they ignored her. it was atrocious.
I don't know if at that point my MIL knew exactly who I was, but if I talked her through a procedure, or sang her through it...she would calm right down. I tried to show the staff who she was before she was demeted...to try to help them see her as a human being and not just a screaming biting old lady...but someone who was loved ...
At the hospice where she died, I was so touched by how gentle the staff was. they spoke softly, they rubbed her skin with lotion. She was no longer afraid.
Two of the facilities my MIL was in are highly regarded locally. I don't trust them after seeing what my MIl went through. on the other had, th facility my fther was in before he died was simply wonderful.
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When my mother in law was dying, she was at several different facilities for the last few weeks of her life. She was at that point, demented and quite terrified. at some of the fcilities, I was shocked at the behavior of the staff.They were mean to her.
OK, she wasn't the easiest person in the world under the best of circumstances, and she was terrified and defensve...but i couldnt imagine that this was the first demented old lady they had ever had to work with.
I could see that they were rougher with her than needed.Mostly they ignored her. it was atrocious.
I don't know if at that point my MIL knew exactly who I was, but if I talked her through a procedure, or sang her through it...she would calm right down. I tried to show the staff who she was before she was demeted...to try to help them see her as a human being and not just a screaming biting old lady...but someone who was loved ...
At the hospice where she died, I was so touched by how gentle the staff was. they spoke softly, they rubbed her skin with lotion. She was no longer afraid.
Two of the facilities my MIL was in are highly regarded locally. I don't trust them after seeing what my MIl went through. on the other had, th facility my fther was in before he died was simply wonderful.
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sarah in nyc
https://sewnewyork.blogspot.com/
https://sewnewyork.blogspot.com/
Posted on: 3/1/11 5:29 PM ET
I do understand what you all are saying about the abuse that can happen in these places. He has been in this facility for about 7 years. My husband's sister retired as a nurse from the facility(so a lot of the nurses and staff still know her). Father-in-law(I'll call JW) isn't showing signs of abuse and he is being checked on regularly by family and a family friend who spends a lot of time at the nursing home. She reports her concerns to us and it's never involved abuse. I don't have a problem with them calling during the day about these things, but 11:30 at night? Husband and I are at the point in our lives, we don't sleep well to begin with. I think it's cruel to call people that time of night and scare the wits out of them for no good reason. My dad is 94 and not in good health. My sister has health issues. We have two grown sons, I worry about. When that phone rings at odd times of the night, my heart goes up to my throat. A "little bruise"? Nope, I can't justify that kind of phone call at 11:30 at night.
Posted on: 3/1/11 6:06 PM ET
I have worked in a nursing home. I have buried my dear mother after some very difficult health challenges and several stays in the nursing home. Your heart going into your throat is part of the responsibility. It is just the way it is. While you are in that "sandwich" space between your own children's needs, your own, and your parent's, it is a time that just is what it is. If you are feeling overwhelmed, which I seem to indirectly sense from your post, talk to the social worker at the nursing home. They all have one. Set up a meeting and tell them your concerns. Unless you tell them otherwise, you will be called for every slight issue. Personally I think that is very good. I wanted to know all that was happening to my MOM and sure wish I had the same opportunity now.
You can stop these calls but it will require meeting with the nursing staff, the social worker, and putting in writing "do not call". Is that really what you want?
I so understand what you are going through. I have been there. But I would give anything, anything, to be able to get one of those midnight phone calls again. JMHO.
One thing I felt when dealing with this issue was the isolation. None of my friends were yet going thru this. My children didn't understand and my husband's mom was healthy as a horse. I felt like no one understood. However, today, with the internet, there are forums that can really help you out. You are not along. Do some google searches and you will find some wonderful people out there who are sharing just what you are going through. Believe me, once your FIL passes, your husband and yourself will be wishing for those midnight phone calls. I wish you the best and I understand.
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You can stop these calls but it will require meeting with the nursing staff, the social worker, and putting in writing "do not call". Is that really what you want?
I so understand what you are going through. I have been there. But I would give anything, anything, to be able to get one of those midnight phone calls again. JMHO.
One thing I felt when dealing with this issue was the isolation. None of my friends were yet going thru this. My children didn't understand and my husband's mom was healthy as a horse. I felt like no one understood. However, today, with the internet, there are forums that can really help you out. You are not along. Do some google searches and you will find some wonderful people out there who are sharing just what you are going through. Believe me, once your FIL passes, your husband and yourself will be wishing for those midnight phone calls. I wish you the best and I understand.
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http://lasewist.blogspot.com/
Posted on: 3/1/11 6:09 PM ET
As I reread this thread, after my posting, it occurs to me that perhaps your husband could take more responsibility. How about if you both alternate nights and who will respond to the call, letting the other person get their much needed rest? Just an idea.
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http://lasewist.blogspot.com/
Posted on: 3/1/11 6:20 PM ET
When my mom was in a nearby retirement community (assisted living, then nursing care), I made up a 5"x8" card with instructions for contacting family. When I went out of town, I had a vacation card (with dates I was gone) that I asked nursing to use. It was bright pink and they put it in the front on the left side of the chart. We know they used it because they had to reach my sister once when we were out of town.
The place mom was in is higly rated for good care but some people seemed to be better off than others. I was there 5 days a week and I came at random times. One day I had a young woman come in and it was at a regularly scheduled time. Likewise, my sister's visiting day was always at the same time. My mom never was in need of fresh Depends or anything when I showed up ~ they could never really be sure so she was always in good condition. It helped that she was a real sweetheart, I am sure.
It seems to me that when staff knows that the family is very involved, they will be more apt to pay good attention to the family member. Sad, but they realize there will be an advocate who will speak up if there is a problem.
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The place mom was in is higly rated for good care but some people seemed to be better off than others. I was there 5 days a week and I came at random times. One day I had a young woman come in and it was at a regularly scheduled time. Likewise, my sister's visiting day was always at the same time. My mom never was in need of fresh Depends or anything when I showed up ~ they could never really be sure so she was always in good condition. It helped that she was a real sweetheart, I am sure.
It seems to me that when staff knows that the family is very involved, they will be more apt to pay good attention to the family member. Sad, but they realize there will be an advocate who will speak up if there is a problem.
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"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin
"Attitude is the difference between an adventure and an ordeal." unknown
“Be curious, not judgmental.” Ted Lasso
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin
"Attitude is the difference between an adventure and an ordeal." unknown
“Be curious, not judgmental.” Ted Lasso
Posted on: 3/1/11 6:42 PM ET
My mom is in a nursing home ( modern name is Skilled Care Facility). The fact that you are getting calls is a good sign on their part. Believe me, they will document the fact that you don't want all calls...if that is what you choose.
It works both ways. You can't edit down his care reports... You need them. It's the last gift you can give. Look at it as an honor not a burden.
You might choose another family member to be on file for night calls. But, they need to be able to call without making a judgement.
It works both ways. You can't edit down his care reports... You need them. It's the last gift you can give. Look at it as an honor not a burden.
You might choose another family member to be on file for night calls. But, they need to be able to call without making a judgement.
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