Sponsors
Sponsors
...Just when I think it can't get worse... (Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews)
Posted on: 4/5/11 8:00 PM ET
Dad is back in rehab. This is round #3 (I think I didn't post about one). He blew a 0.32 BAC when they took him in...that's only 4 times the legal limit...it's a miracle he's even alive.
Mom and Sis claim it's different this time, he's taking it seriously, he's "broken" (whatever that means), it's a better facility, blah blah blah. I suggested to my Mom that they get with the social workers and find him somewhere to go -- a halfway house or something -- since living with my aunt didn't work out.
They didn't listen to me and he's moving in with my sister. She's 23 and works full-time and only makes minimum wage so she can't pay all her bills, so how she expects to support and take care of my father isn't real clear to me. She won't hear of him going anywhere else. Goes on and on about saving him, she can fix him, blah blah blah. I told her I thought she was sacrificing her life and dreams to take care of him and she says she can still live her own life. She's also insisting that she doesn't need Al-Anon or any other therapy or counseling.
I think this is pretty much the worst idea ever, but nobody listens to me and I'm a bad daughter for not throwing myself into this Vortex of Doom and not allowing it to consume my life. I get a weekly guilt trip over the phone.
So yeah. It's awesome.



------
Mom and Sis claim it's different this time, he's taking it seriously, he's "broken" (whatever that means), it's a better facility, blah blah blah. I suggested to my Mom that they get with the social workers and find him somewhere to go -- a halfway house or something -- since living with my aunt didn't work out.
They didn't listen to me and he's moving in with my sister. She's 23 and works full-time and only makes minimum wage so she can't pay all her bills, so how she expects to support and take care of my father isn't real clear to me. She won't hear of him going anywhere else. Goes on and on about saving him, she can fix him, blah blah blah. I told her I thought she was sacrificing her life and dreams to take care of him and she says she can still live her own life. She's also insisting that she doesn't need Al-Anon or any other therapy or counseling.
I think this is pretty much the worst idea ever, but nobody listens to me and I'm a bad daughter for not throwing myself into this Vortex of Doom and not allowing it to consume my life. I get a weekly guilt trip over the phone.
So yeah. It's awesome.




------
"To love another person is to see the face of God!" ~Les Miserables
www.lillianbettyandsibyl.blogspot.com
www.lillianbettyandsibyl.blogspot.com
Posted on: 4/5/11 8:29 PM ET
In reply to CurlySu717
On the bright side, serious congratulations are in order for keeping yourself out of that Vortex of Doom!
It sounds like your sister is feeding the cycle. She needs your dad to need her and your dad will keep on being broken at least as long as someone needs him to be. But you already knew that.
Is it just your sister still guilt tripping you? You didn't update us on rehab #2 (can I dare to hope it was because you were thoroughly detached from the situation and perhaps focusing on life and/or sewing?) so I'm out of date on who is still bent on enabling him..
It sounds like your sister is feeding the cycle. She needs your dad to need her and your dad will keep on being broken at least as long as someone needs him to be. But you already knew that.
Is it just your sister still guilt tripping you? You didn't update us on rehab #2 (can I dare to hope it was because you were thoroughly detached from the situation and perhaps focusing on life and/or sewing?) so I'm out of date on who is still bent on enabling him..
Posted on: 4/5/11 8:40 PM ET
Su,
You're thinking clearly, stick with it. This is a good way to help your family, even though they don't appreciate it now (and maybe never will). I know it's painful, and irritating.
Good luck!
Mel
------
You're thinking clearly, stick with it. This is a good way to help your family, even though they don't appreciate it now (and maybe never will). I know it's painful, and irritating.
Good luck!
Mel
------
Mel (Melbourne, Australia)
Posted on: 4/5/11 8:47 PM ET
Curly, sounds like your DSis is maybe suffering from some of the same guilty feelings you have had to deal with.. So perhaps you can understand why she feels she must try to do this ..
However .. I give her only a few short months if that long before she gives up.. so all you can do is wait it out..
You just go on with your life the best you can.. and Congrats for the way you are now handling it all.
Posted on: 4/5/11 10:04 PM ET
In reply to CurlySu717
I am so sorry to hear this, but I am glad you are keeping yourself out of that Vortex of Doom. Give yourself permission not to take the weekly guilt trips either.
Posted on: 4/5/11 10:39 PM ET
Ditto what everyone else said. Some people just have to learn things the hard way, and your sister is definitely one of them. Hugs.
------
------
Marilyn
January 2009 to January 2010 81 yards out and 71yards in January 2010 to the present 106.7 yards out and 146.5 yards in. January 2011 to the present: 47 yards out and 69 yards in.
January 2009 to January 2010 81 yards out and 71yards in January 2010 to the present 106.7 yards out and 146.5 yards in. January 2011 to the present: 47 yards out and 69 yards in.
Posted on: 4/5/11 10:55 PM ET
Thanks, everyone! 
You guys are awesome!
Um, let's see...to answer Maggie's question...they're all so co-dependent I can't keep it straight. Sis has a serious need to be needed; you hit that nail on the head. Every guy she's ever dated has been someone who needed to be helped or fixed or saved. She is in her element in a crisis, and she lives from drama to drama. Dad is the same way...or he was, anyway.
I think Mom truly wants to extradite herself from the situation, but she knows that if she throws in the towel then Sis will take on the entire burden, and she doesn't want to do that to Sis. But it looks like Sis is bound and determined to take on the whole burden anyway. Historically Mom hasn't been especially co-dependent, but Dad and Sis just feed into each other and it's become a vicious cycle that she can't get out of.
Sis is the one calling to guilt trip me. I know it's because it's "safe" for her to be mad at me -- she can't be mad at Dad because she believes he can't help it (which I still think is baloney), but she can call and pick a fight with me and take all of her anger and frustration out on me. She's pretty much going to hold all of this against me for the rest of my life. She's one of those that every time we fight she brings up every single time I've ever wronged her in her entire life.
All Mom expects of me is emotional support. She has told me she's glad I'm not there and to live my life and not get sucked into it. And she's not the passive-aggressive type so I believe her when she says that. She just wants me to call or text and check in on everyone every few days.
Let's see...the last time he was in rehab...I dunno what happened when he got out. He said everything was fine, and he moved in with my aunt. I called him every few days. He was doing various house projects at Mom's and she was irritated that he wouldn't go away. I have no idea what happened; one day I talked to him and he sounded fine, and 3 days later Mom called me in tears to tell me that he was drinking again. I think he made it about a month.
It is not my job to fix this...it is not my job to fix this...it is not my job to fix this... And my therapist keeps telling me that it's not my job to fix Mom's or Sis's lives either.
------

You guys are awesome!Um, let's see...to answer Maggie's question...they're all so co-dependent I can't keep it straight. Sis has a serious need to be needed; you hit that nail on the head. Every guy she's ever dated has been someone who needed to be helped or fixed or saved. She is in her element in a crisis, and she lives from drama to drama. Dad is the same way...or he was, anyway.
I think Mom truly wants to extradite herself from the situation, but she knows that if she throws in the towel then Sis will take on the entire burden, and she doesn't want to do that to Sis. But it looks like Sis is bound and determined to take on the whole burden anyway. Historically Mom hasn't been especially co-dependent, but Dad and Sis just feed into each other and it's become a vicious cycle that she can't get out of.
Sis is the one calling to guilt trip me. I know it's because it's "safe" for her to be mad at me -- she can't be mad at Dad because she believes he can't help it (which I still think is baloney), but she can call and pick a fight with me and take all of her anger and frustration out on me. She's pretty much going to hold all of this against me for the rest of my life. She's one of those that every time we fight she brings up every single time I've ever wronged her in her entire life.
All Mom expects of me is emotional support. She has told me she's glad I'm not there and to live my life and not get sucked into it. And she's not the passive-aggressive type so I believe her when she says that. She just wants me to call or text and check in on everyone every few days.
Let's see...the last time he was in rehab...I dunno what happened when he got out. He said everything was fine, and he moved in with my aunt. I called him every few days. He was doing various house projects at Mom's and she was irritated that he wouldn't go away. I have no idea what happened; one day I talked to him and he sounded fine, and 3 days later Mom called me in tears to tell me that he was drinking again. I think he made it about a month.
It is not my job to fix this...it is not my job to fix this...it is not my job to fix this... And my therapist keeps telling me that it's not my job to fix Mom's or Sis's lives either.
------
"To love another person is to see the face of God!" ~Les Miserables
www.lillianbettyandsibyl.blogspot.com
www.lillianbettyandsibyl.blogspot.com
Posted on: 4/5/11 11:08 PM ET
It's not your job. Your job is to keep you sane. SOMEONE needs to be sane in your family, and it may as well be you.
The thing of it is, much as we want them to get better, much as we want them to change and feel hurt like anything when we bend over backwards for them to facilitate them in every way possible and they still don't change, we can't force it. They change when they are ready, or they don't. For my mothers brother it took going to prison before he woke up (many long years ago) but thank God he did. Lots of other people never wake up :(
alanon is a great idea for everyone in the family.
The thing of it is, much as we want them to get better, much as we want them to change and feel hurt like anything when we bend over backwards for them to facilitate them in every way possible and they still don't change, we can't force it. They change when they are ready, or they don't. For my mothers brother it took going to prison before he woke up (many long years ago) but thank God he did. Lots of other people never wake up :(
alanon is a great idea for everyone in the family.
Posted on: 4/5/11 11:32 PM ET
Oy vey, the fun never stops! You know your sister is being ridiculous. You have a family in Texas and that's your husband. You can't abandon him. Hopefully, she'll understand someday.
------
------
Now blogging at http://sewwest.blogspot.com
Posted on: 4/6/11 0:35 AM ET
Good job avoiding the vortex of doom!
And no one can guilt you if you have caller ID, don't pick up the phone, and delete any msg. from sis without listening ;)
------
And no one can guilt you if you have caller ID, don't pick up the phone, and delete any msg. from sis without listening ;)
------
* Advertising and soliciting is strictly prohibited on PatternReview.com. If you find a post which is not in agreement with our Terms and Conditions, please click on the Report Post button to report it.
Selected Reviews, Classes & Patterns







