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Member since 7/3/10
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Posted on: 9/11/11 6:49 PM ET
ok, here's the back ground. I have a friend of about 4 years. They live far away, and we meet up for a day of museuming in London every 2 months or so.

They've always offered (because of their phone package) to be the one to phone as it's free for them to call my number.

This person has phoned me once every week for all of the above years. When I first got to know them I was going through a pretty horrible time at work, and they offered to be a listening ear. I do appreciate what they did.

Fortunately since then life has turned around and is a lot better. Plus I am socially more busy.

The problem is they never EVER finish the call. It is always me who has to find a way to politely end it. I'm not talking 30 minutes here. This person can quite happily talk for an hour and a half without any encouragement.

I have tried recently to reduce the call length to under an hour and to not necessarily speak to them every week. I have used genuine reasons (like food preparation) as I don't like being dishonest.

This has just resulted in them calling me back later in the week to talk further.

I do enjoy this friend's company, but I don't talk to any other friend this much on the phone and am at a loss at what to do, other then maybe write a polite email explaining whilst I enjoying speaking to them at the end of the working day I'm tired and don't want to talk for over an hour?

I have even gently (when an opening arose) suggested they shouldn't feel obliged to call every week just cause they had in the past. To no avail, they said they liked talking to me.

I have got more assertive over the years but am now at a loss. This problem is beginning to colour the friendship in a less then positive way. Help! I don't want to hurt their feelings.
  
Member since 4/20/08
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Posted on: 9/11/11 7:03 PM ET
In reply to rmusic1
Do you have caller ID? Just don't answer the phone until you are ready. If you are on the phone with them, and ready to call it quits, tell them someone is at the door. If they call back later, don't answer the phone. I can actually reach my doorbell from the phone. I have been known to ring it so the person on the other end of the phone can hear it "Oh, someone's at the door, gotta go".... Works every time. If you don't want to play the games, just come out and tell them how you feel. Let them know that you are working late hours and too tired at the end of the day to hang on the phone.
  
Member since 10/27/05
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Posted on: 9/11/11 7:37 PM ET
In reply to rmusic1
How 'bout something like this..........Jean (whatever the name), I love talking with you, but I'm thinking we need to limit our phone conversations to once a month or every six weeks instead of every week. Would that be okay with you? There's nothing wrong. I want you to understand that. It seems there's more to do as the months go by. I'm also tired from working all day................probably age. When you call, I feel uncomfortable cutting the conversation short, so I don't, but there have been times when I needed to. I sure hope you won't take offense 'cause I still consider you my best buddy. If you'd still like to keep in touch once a week, how about 10 minutes instead of the 30 to 60 minutes we normally talk? That might work. I don't want you to think I don't want to talk with you because I do.
  
Member since 8/14/05
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Posted on: 9/11/11 7:46 PM ET
I have gotten so that over the last 15 years or so I don't want any phone call to last more than 20 minutes to half an hour. For some reason this seems fine 90% of the time for me but only 25% of the time for the person on the other end of the call. I would call people more often if this could be accomplished, but people seem to want to talk more than that, and to talk while they do other things, like talk to other people in the room with them, check TV listings, watch a movie etc., all while "talking to me on the phone." For about half an hour; dedicated phone time; once a week or so; that would be perfect. I hear you but don't think you are ever going to come out of this one unscathed if you do come out. Good luck.
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Member since 4/25/08
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Posted on: 9/11/11 8:18 PM ET
In reply to Mufffet
I had a wonderful, dearly-loved, long-time friend who was five days older than my father, she passed away July 4, 2004. Many years ago she moved to Colorado to live near her daughter, but we kept up with each other's lives by exactly what Mufffet said. One Sunday I would call her, the next Sunday she would call me, and we would talk for half an hour, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less.

We did occasionally call other times for specific reasons, for birthdays, for advice, or when one of us needed the other - I often called her for a quick chat when the kids were little and had done something cute I wanted to share. She herself had daughters clustered around my age, and grandchildren the ages of my kids. My kids did not have a maternal grandmother, so she acted in that capacity to my kids, for which I was extremely grateful.

We did not spend huge amounts of time on the phone ever, but we knew everything about one another's life that mattered over a period of twenty-two years even though we only saw each other a half dozen times in person after she moved.
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Barb
  
Member since 6/30/05
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Posted on: 9/11/11 8:21 PM ET
In reply to ccris
That sounds really good!
I don't like speaking on the phone endlessly. Reason, my voice starts to get hoarse. I tell people that speaking on the phone is not my favourite thing to do. I suppose you could do something like having a speaker phone and go about doing your tasks. I used to do this.
Life is too short to do things you don't really want to do, besides work!
  
Member since 4/1/08
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Posted on: 9/11/11 11:22 PM ET
In reply to rmusic1
Call her ahead of the appointed time. Briefly outline that you need to exercise a bit more self discipline in regard to phone and internet time. Say you know once a month will hardly be sufficient for keeping in touch but at least you have your museum days when you can catch up. Suggest a totally different time for your monthly chat. When the appointed day and time arrives, have a nice hot cup of tea ready by your favorite chair, kick off your shoes and prepare to enjoy your phone visit. Set a timer for 20 minutes or so. If you are done at that time, thank her for calling, tell her how much you look forward to your museum day and double check to make sure that you both are set for the next outing. Thank her again, remind her of what a great friend she is and let her know how much you enjoyed the phone visit and look forward to the next one scheduled for next month. A little something in writing goes a very long way towards making someone feel special and included in your life. Even a note after the first call thanking her and reminding her of the changed date and a tea bag for her to share tea with you (over the phone). Unless you want to go cold turkey on the friendship, have a heart and set aside a little extra time for the first monthly calls. You may find that you enjoy the call more yourself when you have more to catch up on.

Best wishes.
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Member since 7/3/10
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Posted on: 9/12/11 2:56 AM ET
In answer to the many helpful responses, here gpes:

JTink: alas even with long arms there is no way I could reach my door, and I don't have a doorbell (sounds like a great idea though). I don't have caller idea but it might be worth investing in a phone which has this also to avoid sales calls.

ccris: I'd like to do as you suggested, but am conscious of the fact if I do this wrong I could end up hurting a friend who has shared many an enjoyable London trip with me. I want to be careful because of that.

Muffet: I agree with you. For me a phone call is about quality, not quantity. If I haven't spoken to someone in ages I can quite happily chat for a while as there is lots to catch up on. If I speak to someone every week, I just don't have so much to say.

a7yearstitch: there is not appointed time. They tend to call late (at around 9pm or later) and by then if it has been a long day a work (I have a telephone based job just to make things better!) I am flagging. They know if they can earlier more often then not I will still be eating. However, your words of advice got me thinking.

How do you think it would go down if I suggested having a weekly letter exchange by email, and a monthly catch up on the phone? I LIKE writing letters. In fact (don't want to blow my own trumpet too much here) other people have told me they liked receiving them.

The pluses out of this are, I can write them when I like, I control the length and content and I would find it much much easier to do.

Comments please?
  
Member since 6/24/07
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Posted on: 9/12/11 3:20 AM ET
I have a needy family member who does the endless phone call thing. I've been known to do things like press the off button mid sentence (me talking) and take the batteries out of the handset - quick email later, sorry phone playing up, nice talking to you. I know some people think that honesty is the best policy, but it depends on how well the other person reacts to what is essentially criticism. My sister has a needy MIL with imaginary illnesses. They never answer their main phone - you have to use the mobile or email.
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Member since 4/20/08
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Posted on: 9/12/11 8:18 AM ET
Petro, I like the "phone playing up" trick.
rmusic1, I think your idea of e-mailing and the occasional phone call is brilliant! I would much rather type a letter at my own leisure, than be anchored to a telephone when I'm in the middle of making a blouse
  
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