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Member since 8/24/02
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Posted on: 7/4/15 0:07 AM ET
I reached out form support a year ago when my husband left after 22 years. I appreciate all the kindness I received and am asking for more.

I did not go into full details because it could have jeopardized my ex's employment. He has since been fired and lost 75% of the family assets.

Well, he gave an interview that was published on Facebook and I do not know where else. My Aunt was 'kind' enough to share it with me.

Full text below, I have not included the photo.

“I’d gotten married because it seemed like the right thing to do for my age. My family had for years despaired that I hadn’t settled down, been “responsible.” I was a man and I had gotten to that age where that was expected. I found dating really hard, because inside I was one way and outside I had to be another. I didn’t realize until years later that straight girls weren’t exactly my thing. In the long run I was a lesbian and that’s the difference. It wasn’t until I was 47 and at the end of my rope, and as fat as I could be, and not at all happy with my life. And I realized after one particularly energetic fight, that I didn’t have a shot, ever, at a life.

It was just one those moments where you realize that this thing you’ve been carrying around your entire life, coz I knew since I was three, that I was a girl, and so for 44 years, I just choked that down. And avoided dealing with it, but it just became as desperate as breathing. I’d done my job, I’d been a dad, I’d been a husband, I’d been a good provider - I’d done all those things expected of me by society. And it was finally time to just look after me. And I put everything basically into garbage bags, that day, and I left home and lived in my office for a month and a half. I wasn’t even sure if I was leaving. This was 22 years of marriage, I had just celebrated my 22nd anniversary. And leaving home, which is the way I describe it, was the hardest thing I ever did. I wound up sacrificing everything, but it was required to have me.”

What a lovely way to find out your entire marriage was built on a lie. That the reason there was a wedding was because his family despaired of him settling down.

While he was a 'good provider' I was working 6 days a week to support my kids. I had to ask/beg for any extras and went without, all the time he has a secret life.

My mum knew all about it for over 2 years before he left, she accepted jewelery from him and went on a trip with him (while I was still working 6 days a week). She never bothered to mention his secret to me.

The so called 'energetic fight' was the day I discovered in his desk, when looking for a USB stick, a photo he had created by photo shopping a picture of my Mum onto porn.

And not a single person in my family has checked in to see if I am okay with learning that the last 22+ years have all been a lie.

I know Caitlyn/Bruce is all over media, but let me tell you the other side of the story is one of heartbreak and devastation.

I am gutted.

I had just changed my counseling schedule from once every 2 weeks to once every 3. I thought I was doing so much better. Luckily I do have my counseling session next week to help me grapple with this latest revelation.

Please send me your warm thoughts and prayers.
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Living life to the fullest.

Who knew being a Granny was the best thing ever?
  
Member since 7/4/14
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Posted on: 7/4/15 0:44 AM ET
In reply to Michelle T
Michelle, can't even begin to understand how you must be feeling. Sending you and prayers. My heart is broken for you.
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Gina
  
Member since 3/9/09
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Posted on: 7/4/15 0:53 AM ET
In reply to Michelle T
You have my warm thoughts and the most positive of positive vibes.

May I also speak sternly to you?

This is NOT ABOUT YOU.

This is NOT YOUR DOING.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

This is, in fact, NOTHING about you, says nothing about you, changes nothing about who YOU are.

Badly treated? Oh hell yeah you were. You expect, and deserve, truth and honesty from those close to us, our family -be it by blood or by marriage- and you got neither.

SHAME on them! Your ex has a pretty plausible excuse; not that it makes it right or any easier on you, as it doesn't. Your mom...just wow. Makes me yet again appreciate having been an orphan since the age of 11, is all I can say.

You've gone on with your own life, which has taken every ounce of courage you possessed, I'm sure. KEEP GOING ON with your life! Now you know the *why* of what happened, but that doesn't change all the progress you've made.

Now you know. Underline it. And carry on. Life is very very short; don't waste another moment on the past, assigning blame, bearing anger et al.

LAUGH. You are now truly FREE. Your own person, your own woman, free to live your own life, and now knowing your marriage break-up was NOT YOUR FAULT. Most beautiful woman in the world? Wouldn't have made a difference. Smartest? Funniest? Richest? Wouldn't have made a difference.

But ya know what? He did try. For 22 years. You have to be one hell of a wonderful human being, that he did try for so long.

Wish him well, even if only to yourself, and carry on with Life, m'dear.


ETA: I should have been more clear in one sentence...YOU MICHELLE have to be one hell of a wonderful human being, that he did try for so long.



-- Edited on 7/4/15 at 4:40 AM --
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I heart Woo (HimmyCat). Until we meet again, my beautiful little boy. I love you.
  
B

B
Member since 12/5/03
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Posted on: 7/4/15 0:54 AM ET
So sorry that this got stirred up for you again. I hope you will be the winner by not letting this knock you down for long. Your life is not defined by what this person did or did not do so I hope you will be able to let go for your sake. It looks like your child has done well at school. I think you can take a lot of credit for that. Look for the little successes you have had in the past year, even if they don't seem so great. You are here connecting with internet friends who want the best for you.
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Janome serger 634D, Brother PC6000, Singer 500A, Kenmore Mini-Ultra, vintage Bernina 600, White Rotary treadle, New Homestead A VS treadle
  
Member since 10/30/10
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Posted on: 7/4/15 1:02 AM ET
Carrying you in my heart and in my prayers...
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Member since 5/14/05
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Posted on: 7/4/15 1:44 AM ET
WOW....I think Lynn has said it so well there isn't anything left to add.

Michelle, I've never been in your situation and can't imagine how you must be feeling, so it's hugs from me too!!

Can't find any words in relation to your mother..... at least you can hold your head high!

Please keep in touch, we are here for you. ;-))
  
Member since 6/24/07
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Posted on: 7/4/15 1:59 AM ET

Such an interview strikes as a severe case of putting one's own feelings (need for approval and self justification) before those of everyone else involved.
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Posted on: 7/4/15 3:02 AM ET
Thank you Ladies,

I really needed the words of encouragement after a really hard week.
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Living life to the fullest.

Who knew being a Granny was the best thing ever?
  
Member since 11/5/02
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Posted on: 7/4/15 3:33 AM ET
Lynn Rowe said it all.
Not your circus, not your monkey (anymore--thank heavens!)
You need to step out of the pond of cr@p he has created for himself, wash your feet real good and live YOUR life--and hopefully find a partner who values you as you should be.

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Janome 6500P, Babylock Eclipse SX, Janome Coverpro 1000, Babylock BLCS, Juki 654 (2), Babylock Spirit, Juki TL2010q, Brother PE770
  
Member since 12/28/12
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Posted on: 7/4/15 5:06 AM ET
I agree LynneRowe has said it perfectly. I pity your ex and hope that he/she finds peace with himself and that it might enable him to see and acknowledge the hurt he has caused you.

Your relationship was not a lie and was not based on a lie - it was a real true living relationship between two people. Your ex's struggles with his identity do not negate the good (or bad) in your marriage. Whoever your ex now feels himself to be, don't let his/her need to find an acceptance and sympathy for his change in lifestyle taint your whole memory of your marriage. The interview read to me as a way of creating a legend, not as a truthful and rounded picture of his life. That was not the central story of your relationship for 22 years.

As Lynne said, now you know what he was struggling with and it was not you. I do pity him for having to live with that internal struggle and it is heartbreaking for you and your children. I am betting that in hindsight in years to come he/she will have huge regrets about the way in which this has been handled and communicated to you and the hurt caused, but clearly isn't thinking straight or able to consider other people's feelings at the moment.

Your mother's behaviour on the other hand seems completely reprehensible. Also, did your ex's being sacked have anything to do with his identity change? I would imagine that would be a case for an employment tribunal if so (it would in the UK) - just thinking about your financial stability, rather than his career of course.
  
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