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What do you say? (Moderated by Deepika, EleanorSews)
Member since 1/24/07
Posts: 611
Posts: 611
British Columbia Canada
Skill: Advanced Beginner
Skill: Advanced Beginner
Posted on: 1/30/16 1:35 PM ET
My life long friend's husband has only weeks to live. He is also our friend. We have shared many trips, meals, and life situations together. I do not want to intrude on their last time together, but I also do not want to have them think I am not caring. Have you had this situation in your life and how did you handle it? If you go to visit, what topics of conversation did you find were helpful? I am going to phone my friend and ask her if they want company, but I am worried about how the visit will be for all of us.
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Elaine
Posted on: 1/30/16 2:08 PM ET
I went through a similar situation. When my friend called to tell me about his diagnosis, she said she wasn't going to have visitors. Some had come and created some bad feelings, so no more, she said. So I wrote him a letter detailing a lot of the special memories I could recall, and went through my photos and sent some that I thought they would enjoy having.
Posted on: 1/30/16 2:11 PM ET
There is nothing easy or simple about this situation but letting them know that you care is the best support. Do visit and talk about mutual interests. Some people want to talk briefly about their condition; some don't. Even if you don't discuss medical issues, I would make sure to tell them what their friendship has meant to you through the years. Hugs to you and your friend.
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Patti
R-r-r-ripping my way to fitting success
R-r-r-ripping my way to fitting success
Posted on: 1/30/16 2:18 PM ET
When my mother was dying, some of her friends who visited said made some pretty awful comments, but I chalked it up to that they didn't know how to act around someone who was dying. What helped was looking at pictures of trips she had taken years prior where she could remember the good times. Also, I asked her questions about relatives that had passed away long ago and she told me some very funny stories about her and her brother, who died when I was a baby. I think the most important aspect is just being there. Sometimes I would just sit - neither of us talking, but I would hold her hand or just be in the room with her. When it came to her final hours we all took turns being in the room with her so she wasn't alone. I'd like to think she knew that we were there - I hope so. My suggestion is to go and see your friend, even if the visit is uncomfortable for you - you'll know that you tried and so will your friend. Most times these sort of situations are not perfect, nor do we know what to say or how to act, but must go on instinct. I hope this helps. Take care.
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Kemish
Posted on: 1/30/16 2:56 PM ET
In reply to Elaine Dougan
I am sorry for your friend and the news that all of you have received. I know this is very hard for you. Just let her know you are there and you will listen. This is a time when life has thrown a curve ball. Most of us don't know how to handle it.
Listening is one of the most important things. I guess what I am saying is don't let them feel abandoned. Sometimes, it is best just to say, I don't know what to do or how to act. You need to tell me what I can do, to help, and go from there.
Being life long friends, did you every talk about death? I know my mother has a friend, they met in the 4th grade, they both are still going, they have buried both there parents, and both their husbands. They know each other very well, and have been there for each other. By the way, they are both in there 80's now. My mother has major health issue, but her friend is still working. I just look at the 2 of them and shake my head.
Don't know if this helps any but it is just my thoughts.
lily
Listening is one of the most important things. I guess what I am saying is don't let them feel abandoned. Sometimes, it is best just to say, I don't know what to do or how to act. You need to tell me what I can do, to help, and go from there.
Being life long friends, did you every talk about death? I know my mother has a friend, they met in the 4th grade, they both are still going, they have buried both there parents, and both their husbands. They know each other very well, and have been there for each other. By the way, they are both in there 80's now. My mother has major health issue, but her friend is still working. I just look at the 2 of them and shake my head.
Don't know if this helps any but it is just my thoughts.
lily
Member since 1/24/07
Posts: 611
Posts: 611
British Columbia Canada
Skill: Advanced Beginner
Skill: Advanced Beginner
Posted on: 1/30/16 3:01 PM ET
I did go to visit her. We had a wonderful visit. There were no uncomfortable moments. I did tell her that I did not know what to say and she completely understood. We shared pictures and recalled some of our good times and discussed the future as well. I am so glad that I did go and certainly will feel comfortable about further visits.
Thank you for your kind thoughts and helpful suggestions.
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Thank you for your kind thoughts and helpful suggestions.
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Elaine
Posted on: 1/30/16 3:39 PM ET
In reply to Elaine Dougan
Elaine, good for you. I'm sure she was grateful for your visit and your friendship.
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Patti
R-r-r-ripping my way to fitting success
R-r-r-ripping my way to fitting success
Posted on: 1/30/16 5:32 PM ET
In reply to Elaine Dougan
Elaine when I was in your friend's situation I would have loved for someone to come and cook a meal, vacuum the house or do a load of washing, as all my time was taken caring for DH and I was physically and mentally exhausted as we'd also spent several weeks prior to the sudden diagnosis in the city, away from home and kids. Unfortunately day-to-day tasks still need to be done but it's also very easy to let them slip down the priority list.
Most people don't know what to say (it's a natural response) and that's OK....maybe take some morning tea, lunch etc and asking if she needs any shopping, even a quick trip to the local supermarket would be a huge help.
Most people don't know what to say (it's a natural response) and that's OK....maybe take some morning tea, lunch etc and asking if she needs any shopping, even a quick trip to the local supermarket would be a huge help.
Posted on: 1/31/16 2:21 PM ET
In reply to NanaAnna
NanaAnna
Thank you, you said what I tried to write 3 different times, and it just kept coming out wrong. That being said. The other thing that I think we forget about, is that we just don't know how to handle, what to say is after that person has passed.
I know when my grandfather passed, my grandmother was doing ok until about two weeks after, that is when reality set in, and that is when I went to see her. I stayed with her for a about a week. She told me years later, that it really helped her to move forward and not get stick in the sadness, or the loneliness, and missing my grandfather.
Thank you for sharing with us, it opens topics, that we sometimes just push to the side. It helps all of us, to understand, how to be more caring to others.
lily
Thank you, you said what I tried to write 3 different times, and it just kept coming out wrong. That being said. The other thing that I think we forget about, is that we just don't know how to handle, what to say is after that person has passed.
I know when my grandfather passed, my grandmother was doing ok until about two weeks after, that is when reality set in, and that is when I went to see her. I stayed with her for a about a week. She told me years later, that it really helped her to move forward and not get stick in the sadness, or the loneliness, and missing my grandfather.
Thank you for sharing with us, it opens topics, that we sometimes just push to the side. It helps all of us, to understand, how to be more caring to others.
lily
Posted on: 1/31/16 2:50 PM ET
In reply to Elaine Dougan
Strangely, many of our friends have died way before their time, so dh and I have some experience with your situation. As you have seen, it really isn't that scary or awkward. Your friends, regardless of illness or approaching death, remain your friends. They just need your presence, your friendship, and willingness to listen or help however you can.
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Elona
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